What is it about nighttime that brings out the emotional in me? Mornings are great... I'm up and cheerful, ready to get things done. Afternoons are peaceful, evenings interesting... but it never fails, if I stay up late enough. Sad seriousness slowly simmers until it produces a hunger inside of me that cannot be satisfied. Loneliness mixed with empty longing is an awful reality.
And yet, that isn't all. There's more to this odd spell, a feeling of awakening to a higher level of awareness. I'm more alive at night, it seems. More alive, but paying the price for that gift. Sometimes it's worth it. Sometimes it isn't. Out of these strange episodes come the best (and the only) poetry I write. Perhaps someday I'll post a few lines of it on this blog.
Music is the one antidote I've found for the emptiness. Something about song makes it all better, soothing the wound, meeting the need. It's as if the music understands, empathizing with my troubled soul. God knew what He was doing when He came up with that stuff.
Even when this crazy world makes no sense, it's a comfort to know He is there. God's funny that way, you know... humanity's always demanding that God do something to prove His presence, and sometimes I think He does nothing on purpose so that we'll learn to just know He's there. It's easy to get so wrapped up in emotions and feelings and not be able to feel Him there... and yes, I'm guilty of that quite often... and then we're sure He's gone away and left us, when really He's there waiting for us to grab His hand and let Daddy help us stay on our feet. Notice we still have to do the walking, but He's always there to steady us if we're willing to lean on Him.
Well, I'm all blogged out for the evening. Goodnight, all.
Ok, this is April. It's not supposed to snow in April at all... and yet the ground is covered. We got five inches yesterday. Thankfully it's all melting away, though, and will be gone in a day or two if it doesn't disappear today.
"More love... more power... more of You in my life..." That's from Jeff Deyo's new cd, which I intend on buying the next time I get to our local Christian bookstore. He used to be a member of Sonicflood, but is off doing his own thing now. I have one mp3 track from the cd, the one I just quoted, and it sounds good... a little more upbeat than Sonicflood's stuff.
Lately I've been messing around with my synthesizer, experimenting with sounds and preparing to learn how to mix tracks. I miss bein involved in music to the extent I used to be. Music is my passion... it runs in my blood, as much a part of my existence as breathing and sleeping. I doubt I could ever do without it.
So... what next? I've been suffering from a trapped, dead-ended feeling lately... as though I'm stuck in a rut I don't know how to escape. My motivation for doing anything is back down to a minimal level. Boredom strikes often and harshly lately. Not sure what to do about my future, or even what I want from it. God has been tugging at my heart, trying to get my attention, and yet the apathy just won't leave... I think I fear what will happen to my emotions if I get all tangled up trying to do the God thing again, you know? I've been through that already, all the emotionalism, and it led to an empty anticlimax. I can't seem to sort out the difference between pursuing God and pursuing the Christian mindset. I know there's a difference but I can't put my finger on it. There's got to be something real under all the surface flak... how do I pursue it without becoming trapped in modern churchism?
Due to a fulltime job, much online activity aside from blogging, and decent weather as of late, it has been awhile since I paid attention to my blog. Sorry folks, all two of you who might be reading this.
All the world lies before me, and I must choose the paths I would tread. And yet, so many of them lie barred at my age, thanks to lack of money or age or influence... it's frustrating, waiting until time has ticked away far enough into the future to allow me to do some things. Odd that the one commodity we cannot spare is the one commodity we waste the most. It's not always easy to tell, though, what is a waste of time and what is not. Lately I find myself debating a great deal over that question as it applies to my daily life. Spending seven or more hours a day communicating with friends through a computer screen can be wonderfully rewarding or terribly boring, depending on the day and the situation; are the jewels found in this hobby worth the time spent sifting for them? Does the value of friends lie in their contribution to your life, or your opportunity to contribute to their lives? If the latter (with which my heart agrees) is correct, then I am doing well, provided what I say online really does make a difference to my friends.
Yes, chat is on my mind lately. When I put aside the natural revulsion that comes with acknowledging that my social life is restricted mainly to the computer, I realize how deeply I am involved in the nuances of my online friends' existences. That is perhaps not a healthy trend; but since my options are limited as of this point in time and I do not really want to sink roots here in my hometown, I must do something with the wild extrovert aspect of my personality, hidden deep down inside where few or none can see it. People fascinate me. Each one has his own signature of sorts, his own aura that broadcasts his personality, character, and the stuff that makes him who he is. Sometimes I am asked by people to explain what I see in them; I find that question rather frustrating, as it is like asking what makes the color blue, the color blue. Or, as Chris Rice puts it, like trying to smell the color nine. You may indeed be able to smell the color nine, but to tell someone else about it is a pointless endeavor. It will not bear the appropriate fruit, no matter how hard you try.
Today I spent a good portion of time doing nothing but reading a book. Hey, for 7$ an hour, answering a few phone calls is no problem, despite my dislike of business phones. John Grisham made for an interesting one-sided conversation... though I have to admit, The Summons isn't quite up to par with some of his other works.
Life goes on. I'm listening now to the soundtrack from the movie Braveheart. At night I'm much more emotional than during the day, and music such as this is an escape for me. I haven't yet worked my way to the bottom of the emotions matter.
Not much to say tonight. For some reason I'm too tired to bother with opinions. Maybe a good night's sleep is all I need. Thank God it's almost Friday.
Spring is on its way, finally, despite winter's last gasp of snowfall from the past few days. Later today I'm going out to pick up some seed flats and seeds for my new mini greenhouse that I was given today as an early birthday present. There's something healing about gardening; playing in the dirt seems to wash away the stresses of the past and the present.
This is a rather odd time of life for me. I'll be glad when it's over and I'm on my way again. For now, my life consists mainly of handling household duties while I wait for my next temp job assignment, and battling for the life of a chatroom that I've been heavily involved in for a couple years now. Call me a no-lifer if you like... that's a cool person's term for somebody who doesn't enjoy doing the same things they do. Narrow minded term, at best. I do need to get out more, though, and I'm working on that.
It truly is difficult to be a Christian in today's world. There is so much mediocrity permeating society, both secular and Christian, that to attempt a break from it is to become a target. How dare anyone hold everyone else to some kind of value system anyway? Never mind if it's the truth. We don't like it, so let's just dismiss it and move on. Reality isn't real, I make my own reality... blah blah blah. That idea flies in the face of common sense.
Anyway... I'll stop now before I go on one of my rantings again. There will be time for that later. For now, I'm signing out.
Well, here we are... my first attempt at blogging. Out of all the blogs already floating around cyberspace, I'll be surprised if anyone ever actually finds this one. I leave it to the public in general to decide whether that's a good or bad thing.
So what is the purpose of my blog, anyway? Does it have to have one? Can't it just be the ramblings of a somewhat strange but perfectly harmless individual who simply has to tell the world how she feels? Or thinks? Or wait. If you feel something, you have to turn it into words before you can post it, which means you have to think it, so maybe there is no such thing as telling someone how you feel, since you had to think it to tell them anyway. But then again, you had to feel it before you thought it, otherwise you'd have no need to think it at all, so should I go with the origin of the thought or the thought itself, which really goes back to the origin anyway... oh and that reminds me, is an opinion how you think about a subject or how you feel about it? Or both?
I'll let that one simmer for awhile. In the meantime, perhaps I should explain a little about myself for all those wonderful viewers hanging on my every word. I'm a 20 year old female living in North Dakota (yes we do have indoor plumbing, and got the internet yesterday) and working to enable a return to college this coming fall. Not that college is all that great, but hey, it's a ticket to gaining a degree, which is my next goal in life. When I'm not working, sleeping, or eating, I'm usually at my computer chatting or hopping websites online. Yes, I'm one of those types who has about 400 online friends and more acquaintances (never met any of them, of course) and can handle about 10 instant messaging windows and two chatrooms at the same time. Used to be more, but what can I say, I'm a little rusty.
I'm going to make a disclaimer. This page is not to entertain or to be the coolest thing that's ever hit the internet, and I'm not shooting for any top ten blogger list. This is just me being me, expressing opinions, venting now and then, or just babbling about nothing in general to give me an excuse to type. Enjoy, folks, I'll be here all week.
