Wow. Time has flown since I last blogged. June is here in full force, bringing with it humid days and stormy nights. I'm still working fulltime doing filing work; soon I'll be trained into my coming IT job. Life has settled into a comfortable, mostly predictable routine, which is just fine with me. I'm going to Bible studies at my church, one for college age people in general and one for never-been-married women. It feels great to be "plugged in" again. My dad and I are still doing devotions most nights, as well. My relationship with God is deepening and growing.
Speaking of which... I came to an amazing realization the other day. Lately I've been struggling with a lot of difficult personal issues... facing fears and insecurities, and dealing with my past, which has always had a great deal of power over me. Amazingly enough though, I finally began to understand that I couldn't handle myself on my own... God has to walk through this stuff with me, or I won't get anywhere with it. Leaning on the Savior without yourself in the way allows Him to bring His strength to bear on your problems, and suddenly the mountain you have to climb seems to shrink to molehill size. Not that it's easy, doing what I'm doing, but it's no longer impossible.
Not only that, but for years now I've been longing to be able to love God more. It's always been the Christian thing, you know, even the young person Christian thing, and although I had a relationship with God, it wasn't that deep; and I couldn't understand why I wasn't gung-ho over Him like everyone else around me. I had begun to believe it was simply emotionalism or extremism that they displayed, until this week God finally explained it to me. All the pain I've been going through lately, all the struggle, was not only to help me deal with myself but also to help me love God more, in the way I'd been asking Him to teach me to love Him. Only when you come to the end of yourself and allow Him to strip the pride away and help you can you understand how much you need Him, which in turn leads to love... real love, not emotionalism or church "highs." That's the key to a sincere, meaningful relationship with the Savior. It's all about less of yourself and more of Him. I used to think that meant I'd have to ignore my own needs and go unfulfilled in order to put Him first; but really it means putting your pride down, allowing yourself to realize you can't do it on your own, and letting yourself be dependent on Him to fill those needs. He will, too. Obviously life isn't always peaches and cream that way, but even bearing unfulfilled needs becomes so much easier when you're resting in the care of the Savior.
This is getting lengthy, so I'll stop there for today. My family and I are headed to Dickinson in about an hour, so I'd better get some things done around here first.
