It snowed this morning. I woke up to a world of white. Unfortunately, the roads were dangerously slippery and my town suffered over 100 accidents today. Thankfully I wasn't in one of them.

This period of my life has suffered a drastic twist. A week ago I was content, enjoying my life, and eagerly anticipating what's to come. Today, I'm confused, emotionally unstable, and frustrated over nothing at all. PMS? Perhaps. I only get pms for one day, though, if at all; and it's been three days since I last felt real peace, each day worse than the last. What did I neglect that has led to this?

Ugh. You're supposed to spend most of your time on roller coasters going up; and when you plummet, it's quick, over almost before it begins. My emotional roller coaster needs to re-align itself to that pattern.

 
LETTER TO AN OLD FRIEND

I'm deeply worried for you, my friend. You discovered the same thing I did: that something about the Church is awfully wrong. But you ran away from it. I fear that your relationship with God suffers greatly for it. Has it been so? When was the last time you and God had a serious talk? I don't mean one of those abstract things you like so much. I mean a real, face to face, child to Father conversation with Him. Are you living? Perhaps I should rephrase that. Are you thriving? I don't see that old joy in your face anymore. It wasn't completely a deception, you know. I know. I know. I went through it all too and I came out on the other side with something far more precious than the "Church" could ever have given me. I want to know if you have found the same unfathomable peace that I have.

Life is stabilizing for you. It's easy to walk in the footprints of those who have gone before, working and sleeping and living in between. But please, my friend, you who like new things so much... don't forget to grow.

I pray that someday it won't be enough for you. God isn't finished with you yet, and He isn't the unfair mysterious far-off tyrant you subconsciously think He is. And the Church isn't lost, either. I'm learning there are still a few true blue souls out there yet. They're struggling just as hard as we did to eke out a life that jives with the "krisjun" beliefs... and it's working. Don't give up on them yet. You are here to serve them as much as you are to serve the lost.

Let go of your bitterness. Pain is a part of life; embrace it as you would an old friend, for you will never find a teacher more true. And lose that mask you've been wearing as of late. It doesn't fit you comfortably at all. I miss the freedom I used to see in you.

You're in my prayers as always. May God ever draw you to Himself.

Sincerely,

Your Old Friend

 
I'm a dreamer. That can be both good and bad. There's definitely a place for dreaming in one's life; without dreams, existence would be bland, tasteless, unfulfilling. Sometimes dreams can be painful, though, when reality intrudes and reminds you to keep your feet on the ground. Still, as Anne remarks so truthfully in the movie (or book) "Anne of Avonlea," the dream sweeps you to the heights and the thrill of that almost "pays for the thud" that results when you hit the ground again.

Lately I've pondered the difference between a roller-coaster emotional ride through life and a steady, stable one; and I've come to the conclusion that, for me, it's worth the risk to choose the heights and depths together rather than exist in a consistently flat emotional pattern, with neither heights nor depths. I couldn't do it; I have too much love for the feeling of feeling, the soaring freedom of the highs and even the tragic beauty of the lows.

Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic. I cry at half the movies I see, I go nuts with delight when Christmas comes, I treasure the thrill of a classical music masterpiece, and as a friend of mine used to say, "I want to get married tomorrow!" The factual, grounded type of person shakes his head at the ridiculousness of it all and mutters to himself, "She'll learn after awhile; life will get to her." But I don't mean for it to get to me; not if I can help it. Life may be ugly in many respects, but there's no sense in dwelling on that. I'd rather see the romance in it all. In fact, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 
My sister is home, which has been wonderful; we went shopping this afternoon and visited an old high school friend (our high school was small so the classes intermingled and we all knew each other). She told us all the news concerning our mutual friends, which brought back memories I'd not visited in some time. High school seems so far away... that whole part of my life seems so far away.

It isn't that I've changed that much. I still go to school and work, but in some ways I'm almost a hermit now. It can be quite difficult to hear about everyone else doing things with their lives when I'm still living at home, no future husband prospects hovering on the horizon, just doing the college thing with no plans to do anything or be anybody. Some would say that's self pity. It isn't really, since I'm happy being myself and doing what I want to; and dreams of that sort usually turn out to be illusions, anyway. Still...

I've got brains though. That's my one saving grace. If I work hard, I can still push to the top of my class; I can still make the dean's list and curry the teachers' favor. It makes me feel a bit guilty sometimes, that I have talent because of my brains that I'm not using. Maybe that's what I should take away from this struggle. Maybe it's a bit of a wake up call, to get me off my rear and accomplishing things again. If only school and work didn't take up so much time...

 
Well, something's wrong with the "template file," don't ask me what that means. But it does seem to be holding my posts to be published as a later date, so I'll continue to write.

FREEDOM!! Fall break is here. My sister's coming home for her fall break, which begins on Friday; we're going to meet her halfway and bring her home. It seems like forever since she's been here, and I'm thrilled to know she's coming. When you spend most of your childhood life with a sibling, like I did because of homeschooling, you really learn to appreciate her despite the fact that she annoys you from time to time.

My cat is sitting on my lap, purring to the rhythm of her heart's contentment. I truly feel sorry for people who can't appreciate cats the way they should be appreciated. Annie is so much her own little person, despite being so very much a cat as well. She's very attached to me, though, and I worry about how she'll react when I eventually pack up and leave home. Chances are I'll be staying in the area, though, so she'll get to see me now and then.

It's still a rainy mess outside, although things seem a bit more cheery than yesterday. That's probably simply because I'm free of school until next Monday. Still, pretty dreary out there... November weather, really. Perhaps that means we'll get real snow soon, instead of this flurry sleety stuff.

What am I talking about? It's North Dakota. Of course we'll have snow soon.

Then again, it's North Dakota. We may not have snow until Christmas, you just never know.

 
This blog site's servers seem to be having trouble, so I don't know if this will get posted or not; but it's worth a try.

I have changed considerably since my last entry. My priorities, especially, have changed. No longer does the restlessness of youth haunt me in the way it had for several years, up until about a month ago. I am content to finish my education and settle quietly in my home town. (Or the closest thing I've had to one.) Perhaps that will change in the future sometime; but unless God calls me away from here, I see no reason to leave. My family is here. I love my state, and the things to be found outside it aren't worth the loss of my familiar home territory. At least, not for now.

My walk with God has changed and grown. I love Him now in a much more personal way than I did before, with far fewer religious trappings getting in the way. My faith has moved to a steady, everyday relationship, instead of the emotional roller-coaster and spiritual confusion it was before. It's almost like the difference between dating/courtship and marriage. God and I are happily married now, for better or for worse, and our relationship doesn't need fireworks to thrive. We are content to hang out with each other, and I can lean on Him if life gets scary or uncertain.

Am I getting old? Perhaps. I've spent a lot of time lately listening to classical music and jazz. But I did that when I was younger, too, before I discovered rock and all its various extensions; so maybe that simply means I'm finding my childhood activities to be meaningful again. They say that's a good sign, you know. Whether they do or not, I'm certainly happier for it.

Life itself has changed a lot. Security isn't really a given anymore, what with all the terrorist activity and everything. Still, America is a mighty nation and I don't think it's quite ready to fall yet. I plan on making a quiet living in my corner of the country and hoping that everything stays peaceful and nobody bothers me.

It's the simple pleasures of life that are definitely the best. I'm crocheting a granny square afghan for my grandmother; one or two squares a day should give me enough to finish by December, so I can sew it together and give it to her for Christmas. Which reminds me... Christmas is coming!!! When I was young, my sister and I always started looking forward to Christmas months before it ever got here. I remember one year when we sat in my sister's bedroom listening to music and writing out our Christmas lists in early September. We always waited in eager anticipation through the month of October for the first snow, which usually came sometime during its last few days. This year it has already snowed flurries, and we aren't even halfway through the month yet. I have a feeling it's going to be a wet winter. I've had that feeling since midsummer.

Nighttime descends like a chilly wet blanket. Luckily I'm inside where it's warm and cozy. Coziness is November's redemption, by the way. Even though November isn't here yet, I know that to be true. It's what makes life up here in the chilly North so bearable in the wintertime.

 
This blog site's servers seem to be having trouble, so I don't know if this will get posted or not; but it's worth a try.

I have changed considerably since my last entry. My priorities, especially, have changed. No longer does the restlessness of youth haunt me in the way it had for several years, up until about a month ago. I am content to finish my education and settle quietly in my home town. (Or the closest thing I've had to one.) Perhaps that will change in the future sometime; but unless God calls me away from here, I see no reason to leave. My family is here. I love my state, and the things to be found outside it aren't worth the loss of my familiar home territory. At least, not for now.

My walk with God has changed and grown. I love Him now in a much more personal way than I did before, with far fewer religious trappings getting in the way. My faith has moved to a steady, everyday relationship, instead of the emotional roller-coaster and spiritual confusion it was before. It's almost like the difference between dating/courtship and marriage. God and I are happily married now, for better or for worse, and our relationship doesn't need fireworks to thrive. We are content to hang out with each other, and I can lean on Him if life gets scary or uncertain.

Am I getting old? Perhaps. I've spent a lot of time lately listening to classical music and jazz. But I did that when I was younger, too, before I discovered rock and all its various extensions; so maybe that simply means I'm finding my childhood activities to be meaningful again. They say that's a good sign, you know. Whether they do or not, I'm certainly happier for it.

Life itself has changed a lot. Security isn't really a given anymore, what with all the terrorist activity and everything. Still, America is a mighty nation and I don't think it's quite ready to fall yet. I plan on making a quiet living in my corner of the country and hoping that everything stays peaceful and nobody bothers me.

It's the simple pleasures of life that are definitely the best. I'm crocheting a granny square afghan for my grandmother; one or two squares a day should give me enough to finish by December, so I can sew it together and give it to her for Christmas. Which reminds me... Christmas is coming!!! When I was young, my sister and I always started looking forward to Christmas months before it ever got here. I remember one year when we sat in my sister's bedroom listening to music and writing out our Christmas lists in early September. We always waited in eager anticipation through the month of October for the first snow, which usually came sometime during its last few days. This year it has already snowed flurries, and we aren't even halfway through the month yet. I have a feeling it's going to be a wet winter. I've had that feeling since midsummer.

Nighttime descends like a chilly wet blanket. Luckily I'm inside where it's warm and cozy. Coziness is November's redemption. It's what makes life up here in the chilly North so bearable in the wintertime.