Hello everyone. Happy Harvest Day.

You know what's weird? I'm one of those people that can tell when I'm on medication... like, I can feel its effects in my body, beyond the obvious. In the same way, I can tell when hormones kick in and it's PMS time.

All males reading this entry might want to reconsider now, before it's too late. No, don't give me that I-can-handle-it expression and keep on reading out of sheer curiosity. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to understand it. Ladies, if you feel my pain (literally hehe), please feel free to read on!

Time to do a little complaining. I know my female readers will empathize when I say that at this stage of the cycle, venting is perfectly legal and definitely necessary! Bottling up PMS emotions is the WORST thing to do with them. It only encourages a future explosion. Luckily I don't get cramps until that lovely time of the month is actually here; but my emotions go wacko, and I mean wacko. And for whatever reason, they tend to tip toward the negative end of the emotional spectrum. Why is that? I mean, why can't we be ridiculously HAPPY instead of grumpy? That would rock. At any rate, it's such an odd peculiarity to watch myself get irritable. It's not like just having a bad day; you can fundamentally feel the difference between the normal responses to stimuli and hormone-driven emotions. It's almost like I'm two emotional people... one watching curiously while the other demands freedom of expression. Really bizarre.

Anyway. The R-rated section is over, gents, you can open your eyes now. Tonight's plans include supper and a movie with the family. Nothing horror-related, thankfully. Horror movies bore me for the most part; they're usually either overdone or cheesy or both. I have a really difficult time taking most of them seriously. If they're actually realistic enough to hold my attention, I don't get much fun out of watching them. I enjoy thrills, not chills. Hehe.

Have a great Pumpkin Night, folks. I'm gone. Ciao.

 
Hi. My name is Tot, and I am an addict.

Not to drugs or alcohol or anything like that... haven't touched that stuff. But you know, there are things in my life that control me just as surely as the more commonly known addictions control those enslaved to them. It's amazing how they all surface when you try to start making changes.

I rented the movie "28 Days" tonight. It's a Sandra Bullock film about a woman named Gwen, an alcoholic/painkiller user who ends up in a treatment center for a month. I don't know why I love this movie, but I do; I've rented it a few times already. I think it's because, on some fundamental level, I relate to Gwen. I know something or some things aren't right in my life, and when I try to change them, I can't. Or it's really, really, really hard and I can't see myself succeeding. Somehow the movie gives me hope.

I look at my past and I see a lot of hurts and pains that I didn't earn. Or, maybe I didn't know what I was doing wrong, so I earned them but didn't mean to. Actually it's a mix of both, I think. Those lingering effects from past suffering are holding me back. My heart is limping along, worn out and cynical, and I know that in order to let it heal, I have to learn to believe in love again... love, and trust, and the other positives of life that are so easy to forget about when the negatives drown them out. But I can't re-learn those things until I choose to make some changes in how I see life. The key word there is choose. In order to overcome an addiction, the addict first must realize he is being controlled by something, then identify what is controlling him, then take steps to take that control back. You don't get better until you believe first that you're sick, and then that you CAN get better if you try. And then you have to go ahead and try. And keep trying, over and over and over, through setbacks and failures and bad days, until it works.

Maybe that's what life's about. Trying until it works. If we just give up and thrown in the towel, we've already lost; and that's really what apathy and cynicism are... throwing in the towel. Sure, life isn't easy. Kicking habits isn't, either, but the addict still has to try, or he will never be in control of his life. It doesn't matter what kind of hand you've been dealt. The fact is, whatever you've got is what you have to work with, and things aren't going to get better until you step in and do something about them. Not to minimize pain or anything... I know what it is to be knocked right off your feet with it, overwhelmed by suffering. But no one is given more than they can handle. Allow yourself to grieve and hurt and be angry... and then, when that's done, get up and try again. I'm still amazed that this works. But it does.

 
Ever wished you could fly? Of course you have. I've dreamed of flying, many times. No wings or anything... just the impulse to fly, followed by the action itself. Talk about freedom! If anything goes wrong down here on this crazy planet, I could just lift my thoughts skyward and follow them to soar into eternity. Next stop, heaven.

Yes, there's lots to be done yet here. But oh, how I long for the day when I can leave it all behind. What will perfection be like? I hope that along with my mansion, I get a huge garden... perfect of course, no weeds growing in the wrong places, no dying or diseased plants, no mosquitoes determined to suck every drop of blood out of me as I tend my flowers. There will be color everywhere, and I will be a superb landscape architect. Maybe God will just zap my brain and I'll have all the knowledge I need, right there. Or maybe He Himself will walk around in my garden and teach me how to take care of it. Either or, I'll have plenty of time to enjoy it. Unending time.

That will be the best thing about eternity. No more rushes to conserve and efficiently put to use every available second. No guilt over what I don't get done... hey, there will always be tomorrow. Always. Forever.

Oooh... you know what else? Provided God doesn't mind, I'm going to have a room in my house that, when you walk in the door, opens into an entire country... just like Narnia. It's going to have pegasus creatures in it, and the king of them all will be jet black, big, and breathtakingly beautiful; and only I will be allowed to ride him. And I'm also going to have a room that has water in it instead of air, and underwater plants growing next to the furniture; and when I open the door, I can just walk into the water and breathe while in it, because this is heaven, you know. And there will be fish in it of course, and I can just sit on the couch and watch them swim around me. I've always wanted to do that! Call me weird, I don't care. I think I had a dream about that once, when I was little.

Of course, maybe none of these wishes will come true up there. But it won't matter. It's not like I'll be unhappy or anything. That point made, it's still fun to dream about what it might be like. Helps pass the time, and ease the journey.

 
So far, my revelations from the past week are holding true. However, though things have improved a lot in general, late evenings have become difficult for me. My heart is in pretty dire condition these days, far more so than I'd thought, and it always speaks the loudest late at night. I don't know what to do to answer its demands, to erase the lingering hurt and anger still there from past experiences. John Eldredge has a few ideas of how to do that; but I'm almost afraid to try them. If everything still lurking in there decides to come out all at once, I'm not in a place or time where I can handle an emotional tsunami of that magnitude. I'd rather heal slowly, provided that's an option.

All in all, I still find myself very alone. That's the primary disadvantage of figuring out things like this; you end up wanting to find others who have also, and the more you know, the less you can relate to those who don't. It's not a superiority thing at all, though. It's more like taking the road less traveled... and, well, it's exactly that. Less traveled. Not as many people walking it with you. This road is more like a deer trail, it seems. A person gets an entirely different view of the jungle out here. My heart is longing to find others who see it the way I do.

Other than those two issues, things really are getting better. I've just got to figure out some way to resolve this heart thing. There has to be something I can do.

 
It's been an interesting four days. As usual of late, so much is being thrown at me at once that it would take pages and pages of blog entry just to record it all; but I will do my best to summarize.

On Monday, I realized my emotions were beginning to spiral out of control again, and I had widened my focus to include far too much input; so I shut down the system, so to speak. I took a day or two to recuperate, at first just resting, then later trying to sort out why my pursuit of the something was getting more frustrating the harder I pushed for it. Wasn't the entire point to dive whole-hog into this new experience? go all out? a relentless pursuit of God and all that?

First of all, I finally came up with an understanding of the something. I won't limit it entirely to the following definition; but at least I can hint at the gist of it. The something is the heart experience, the other side to life that our knowledge-oriented, science-and-reasoning-obsessed culture often neglects to address. And no, I am NOT talking solely about emotions here. Emotions are merely outward expressions of what's going on in the heart, and often don't tell the entire story. If we rely on them alone to understand our hearts, we end up royally confused, like I was earlier this week.

The heart is meant to be as much a part of our lives as the mind or the body. It needs to be nourished and protected; and when that doesn't happen, especially over long periods of time, it ends up wounded. A wounded heart can cause a great deal of trouble; and from what I've seen in my short lifespan thus far, most of us in this nation are walking around with heavily abused or damaged hearts. And yes... we are still looking for ways to heal it. We'll do anything... drugs, sex, alcohol, eastern mysticism, workaholism, materialism, obsessions of every shape and flavor... you name it, basically. We will do ANYTHING to try to fix what we subconsciously know is wrong in there. Evidence of this mad rush to make things better is showing up just about everywhere you look these days.

I could go on and on... but to make a long story short, I took a look at my own heart and realized it's not in the greatest shape. The reasons for that are many and complex; regardless, I have to work with what I've got now. And soaring emotions are not going to solve the problem.

Consider nature. One sees adventure there, along with strength, courage, tenacity, and wildness. But one also sees peace, silence, gentleness and timelessness. Life is about balance, even when it comes to the heart. Here I was, trying to thrive solely on the excitement part of the something, the heart experience; no wonder I was drained dry within weeks. This is a calling, yes... but, despite the fact that I had no intentions whatsoever of doing so and even thought I was being careful to avoid it, I was gaining an overblown sense of my own importance. I was focusing on myself and my part to play in the drama that is life, and I was positive that whatever was ahead of me must be so much better than where I am at now. And I was right in some respects... just not the ones I thought at the time.

Don't get me wrong here. Everyone has an irreplaceable part to play in this world. And each of us is vitally important. But I'd begun to place importance on the wrong things. I was so focused on trying to be what I thought God wanted me to be that I totally missed His true intent, or at least part of it. It's as if God was saying, "Shhh, settle down. It's not up to you to sniff out what I have planned for you. When the proper time comes, you will know what to do. Until then, be the person I have created you to be."

In Timothy Zahn's Star Wars book Vision of the Future, Luke Skywalker ends up in conversation with someone about his past use of the Force, and why he finds himself suddenly more reluctant to play the part of all-powerful Jedi Master. She makes her point as follows:

"Pretty obvious, isn't it, once you see it. The Force isn't just about power, like most non-Jedi think. It's also about guidance: everything from those impressive future visions to the more subtle real-time warnings I sometimes think of as a danger sense. Trouble is, the more you tap into it for raw power, the less you're able to hear its guidance over the noise of your own activity."

The Force isn't the same as God, I recognize that. But Zahn is onto something here. There is a reason God speaks in a still small voice; and even in pursuit of Him, if we allow ourselves to fly off one end or the other of the scale, it's pretty easy to drown Him out. I'm not saying to stem your enthusiasm or hold back from God; but the Bible does teach the importance of balanced living (take the entire book of Proverbs for example) and if you aren't careful to stay balanced in how you pursue Him, you're going to end up burned out, bewildered or just plain off your rocker.

If you go about achieving it the way it was intended, balance won't quench the Spirit, either. I found that out tonight, sitting on my bed crocheting an afghan for my grandmother and listening to George Winston's melodic piano music. I suddenly looked up, across the room at my closet doors, and realized that I was just as aware of my surroundings and perceptive to the spiritual as usual... and what's more, the confusion had cleared away. I wasn't chasing gifts or feeling particularly emotional or trying to achieve the proper mood; I was just sitting there, peaceful and relaxed, and God whispered in my ear, See? I made you for peace as well as joy. Be yourself. It's not a sin to enjoy what I have given you. And it hit me how rooted my perception of the proper Christian walk was in both society's values and the Christian subculture. If either or both were required to pursue God, no one but those living in our time would be permitted through the gates of heaven.

I know there will be times in the future when my focus is more on the adventure and excitement; and there will be times when I am in recovery, trying merely to get my feet under me again and find a little peace. But that's ok. It's up to God to put us in the right places at the right times. As Gandalf told Frodo, all we must decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. Whether the results are large or small will not matter in the end... what will matter is that we did our best with the environment, situations and opportunities God gave us to work with.

 
"Just to be with you, I'd do anything..."

Can I just decide to be in love? Is it possible for me to sit here and be in love without focusing on anyone in particular? It kind of sucks that love has to be a two-way thing. I know I'm supposed to be in love with God... and in a way I guess I am, if the something ends up taking me in the direction I expect it to. But, still. It's kinda funny... when I get a crush on a guy, I can manage all the other crap going on in my life, as long as I get to see him or talk to him or interact with him somehow during the day. Then everything else looks positive, regardless of how awful a day it's been. Is there some way to translate that kind of optimism into mentally single life as well?

I'm starting to think that's the source of the problems I've dealt with the past few weeks. Here I am, trying to live with an open heart again for the first time in years, and I find myself unable to adequately feed it. I woke up the sleeping monster and now it's hungry. What am I missing? I'm pumping as much sustenance as I can in that direction... looking for beauty wherever I go, as Eldredge recommends. And don't you dare tell me I need a significant other. God wouldn't have a person live single if that person couldn't thrive emotionally without a soulmate.

So THERE. Take THAT, you evil flesh. You gonna live by logic, you gonna die by it too.

 
Well. Now what?

It's the last day of my fall break, which I suppose is why I'm fighting a definite pull downward, emotionally. Actually it's probably one of several reasons for that. I flat-out hate school and hate work. The prospect of returning to that slavery does nothing to improve my current mood.

What a mess. Why can't I pull myself together? My room is still a disaster area. I didn't go out to put air in my tires earlier today like I'd planned. I didn't put Cakewalk on my machine or hook up the synth. And though I have several hours left in the day, I probably won't do anything with them. After about 6 p.m. or so every evening, I usually end up engaging in emotional battle until bedtime, so I don't have enough energy left over to deal with the more practically oriented problems. Considering the fact that most days I don't have any time to myself until then, that leaves me in a bit of a quandary. Stuck. Trapped. Imprisoned.

What I would give to leave it all behind, lose all track of time, throw responsibility to the wind and go somewhere I can think. And not leave until I figure this out. Four days at home didn't help any. I need to get away from EVERYBODY. How I wish it were possible...

 
I'm in trouble. I'm not sure what's going on exactly, but it isn't cool. Opening up to embrace the something has left me on dangerous emotional ground. I've ignored my heart for a reason, these past several years; it's supposed to be nice and quiet there in the background, and now it isn't. I don't know what it's going to do now. Something is going to break soon. I just hope it isn't me.

 
I find myself compelled to write something truly mind-blowing in this space tonight... something that changes the course of people's lives. Unfortunately, no such enlightening truth lends itself to my purposes; therefore, you will have to settle for whatever follows.

Tonight I am charged with energy. Which is odd, since I worked harder than usual at Curves this morning, and my muscles should be worn out enough to let me rest for once. Regardless, here I sit, sharp, intense, missing merely the focus for all this potential motion. Barely bridled creativity strains at its leash. Yet I have nowhere for it to go. Tot seriously needs a hobby.

The sad truth is, I will likely sit here for the next hour, watching the few people bored enough to be in my chatroom on a Friday night and wishing I were somewhere else, doing something else. Then after that, I will go to bed. You know, this is my fall break. I really need to just grit my teeth and bulldoze my way through this nasty procrastination thing I've got going. Otherwise, I'm going to wake up Monday morning with the knowledge that I had four days of real freedom and still couldn't accomplish anything significant. And if I couldn't manage that with four whole days to myself, how will I manage it in the midst of my usual responsibilities?

No. Tomorrow things are going to change. I will NOT permit this kind of waste. For whatever reason, God still refuses to divulge what He's got in mind for me while my clock's still ticking; but that is no excuse for me to putz around aimlessly in the meantime. The sense of urgency in my mind is slowly growing over time. Something's coming, and I must be prepared when it gets here.

Now if only I can figure out how to prepare for the total unknown...

 
I have never felt so thoroughly alone in my entire life. There isn't a soul out there right now that can relate to what I'm going through. Well, actually, allow me to amend that... there must be some out there who would understand, but I'm not in contact with them. Oh, what I'd give to know a group of people on the same track as I... who could help me sort out the onslaught of ideas, emotions, and perceptions flooding in on me. How am I to make sense out of all of it? Is a normal life going to be enough for me? I'm so torn between my sense of adventure and my desire for restful peace. Is there any way I can have both? What is my purpose? Where am I going? How am I to prepare for what's coming if I don't have a clue what it is?

I miss the way it used to be. I wish I could rewind about five years... to the Holy Spirit Conference, or Day One, or any of the other points right around that time when I knew what was going on; I was somehow more on the right track then, it seems. Not sure why. Or maybe it's just that I had less junk in my way.

Ugh. I really, really, really need to get out of this rut that I'm in.

 
Weird. I look back on my previous posts and it is as if I've been speaking in code. Sorry, to those of you who think Tot really has lost all her marbles this time. I'm onto something here, and it's so big that I don't know how else to refer to it. I'm really not on some odd emotional trip. You'll merely have to trust me until I get things sorted out.

When I walk out of work today, I will be walking into fall break, which is a break from everything. I purposely asked these next two days off from work so that I can be free of both school and job constraints for the coming four-day weekend. The mere idea of having all that free time to myself has got me highly excited. I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with it. Probably won't until the time comes. My goal for the weekend is to come away from it well-rested and satisfied with whatever it is I've accomplished.

And I'm definitely going to clean out Vortex's bowl. Poor fellow. He's inhabited those filthy waters long enough.

 
Here I am... still learning, though the past couple days have been difficult. The second lesson I've learned about this new way of life is that it's physically taxing. I've been getting tired much earlier at night, sleeping longer hours and eating differently. Hopefully over time I will be stronger. I've known for awhile now, though, that I haven't been operating at full strength and awareness for quite some time. Stress played a rather large part in that... but mostly I was, well, distracted. From what or by what I am not entirely sure yet.

My primary task at this point in time involves figuring out what is real and what is not. Emotions, perceptions, false information, tradition, liberalism... all have been tangled up with the truth in one giant formidable knot. Though only two sides exist in this war, realistically speaking, the enemy is quite skilled at making it appear as if there were many more than merely those two. Often I find myself struggling to distinguish between what is me and what is something speaking outside of me. It's amazing how subtle the difference sometimes seems to be.

Whatever my future calling, now is a time of preparation. I need to work through these issues now, so that I will be ready for my life's work. Wish I had some kind of a clue what that will be, though.

 
The first lesson I've learned about this new road I'm walking is that it's lonely. I feel oddly orphaned. There are a few who understand... not many, though, and most of them I will never know personally. Books are wonderful teachers; but you can't ask them questions, and I have sooo many questions now.

Ugh. What wonderful timing. There is a possibility that after Oct. 14th, it will be much more difficult for me to stay in contact with many of my internet friends, thanks to MSN's recent decision to restrict access to its chatrooms. At this point in my life, I have little time or energy for social gatherings, so most of my support (especially emotional and spiritual) has come from the chatroom I've called my home for the past few months. Even if time and energy weren't a problem, the amazing revelations of the past week and a half have had a rather isolating effect on me. I find myself longing to discuss what I've learned with others who see things the way I do. Unfortunately, I haven't found many of them yet. Granted, it's only been 12 days... but I've been testing the waters with so many people, and as yet have found only two or three who even have a clue what I'm talking about. None of them are within easy reach. So... I guess for now I will have to travel alone for the most part. It's bearable, but I would rather have companionship I can relate to and trust.

Don't get me wrong, though, I don't regret my choice to go on this journey... not at all. My life has a meaning now that it never had before. Aspects of the Bible that never made sense before are much clearer now. I am able to journey without insisting on seeing everything ahead of me, and that's a change. Why does everyone try so hard to take the mystery out of life? Even Christians do. It's probably a cultural thing. No wonder our society has such issues with apathy and boredom. Mystery puts the excitement back into our existence. I'm fast learning that God loves to be mysterious; and we who think we know so much really haven't a clue about a lot of things. Somehow, though, I'm relieved about that. Mystery is essential. It draws us into itself, piques our curiosity, and takes us places we didn't know we could go.

 
Wow. I hardly know where to begin.

This will be a short update; I want to read and learn more before I say much, so that I get this right the first time instead of jumping to conclusions about it. I will say that the something is real, and I'm not alone in pursuing it. It is completely changing my life; I feel a bit like Luke Skywalker in the Star Wars trilogy... "Ben... Ben, why didn't you tell me??" I can't believe I've been in such close association with Christians this long and nobody, NOBODY gave me a CLUE that the something is real or that true life involves chasing it. The sad thing is, I'm pretty sure most of modern Christianity doesn't know about the something, either. Or they gave up on it. Maybe. The Newsboys weren't kidding when they sang about how we've lost the plot. No wonder that song stirs me so much every time I hear it.

Anyway... I will post more about this later. For now, that is all that I dare to say.

 
Please forgive me... I am currently under a siege of sorts, and my perceptions concerning life may be somewhat skewed. Or perhaps they are in order for once. Who knows.

The opposition launched another attack today. I'm not one to jump at shadows or say everything is caused by demons or anything. You just know sometimes, by the pattern of attack and the apparent use of strategy, when there is a spiritual aspect to what's going on. They are NOT happy about my intention to pursue the something, and are exploiting every weakness I've got to hold me back as long as possible. I admit I'm down for the count, temporarily... I tried to control the related emotions, but other factors I couldn't manipulate interfered in the situation and took my control away. At the moment I sit helplessly staring at the screen as I type and listen to Linkin Park, in a last-ditch attempt to burn off some of the aggressive restlessness I can't seem to shake. I'm afraid to try sleeping when I'm like this. Hopefully it will fade before then.

It would help a lot to have my own place... at least then I could control the anger enough to face it. Here, I am supposed to be cheerful, helpful and submissive. I can't do that and deal with these emotions at the same time.

 
Whew!

Sometimes life just whacks you upside the head like a ping pong paddle gone mad.

Shortly after my last post, I'm thinking the next day maybe, I gave in. To what, you ask? To the something! I have no other name for it. So I call it the something.

Before you assume a what-did-Tot-have-for-breakfast expression and tune me out, allow me to explain.

Early last week, well-known yet dreaded emotions began to swirl in me again. For several years now, I have been attempting to pinpoint the cause of an odd emotional cycle through which I progress every few weeks. And no, we aren't talking about pms here; it doesn't line up with that, moon phases, weight addition/subtraction or any of many other possible causes that I have tried to connect with it over time. It goes something like this: a longing begins to stir deep within me somewhere. I realize that I feel more alive because of it and frantically attempt to determine its source. In the process, I uncover too much and end up emotionally overwhelmed; I grab anything and everything I can find to make it go away, and manage to ignore it for anywhere from a few days to nearly a month. Then the longing returns and the cycle repeats itself.

As a child, I knew about the longing and embraced it. I don't know if it was less painful then, or easier to find, or what; but somewhere between my childhood and the present time, I lost touch with it. That is part of why I have found it so difficult nowadays to maintain a sense of purpose and direction in my life. I think my real purpose has to do somehow with the something. Time will tell.

At any rate... early last week the longing returned, and I happened to go on a Star Wars kick at the same time. I was feeling somewhat disconnected with myself, as my last post indicated, and decided to explore my older interests in an attempt to "find myself" again. I watched the entire trilogy, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights; I rented a few of the novels and am currently in the process of reading them again. Between that, digging into classical music, and pursuing an assortment of other connections with my past, I collided head-on with the something... the source of the longing, the elusive tune that has been humming in my head and heart since before I can remember. And this time, instead of running, I took hold of it and hung on for dear life. It was not an easy ride; it didn't take long for the opposition to figure out what I was up to and launch a barrage of attacks to exploit my weaknesses. But this time I refused to let go, and it has been well worth it so far.

Ack! Out of time! I must get home; night class tonight, and many responsibilities before then. To be continued...