My counter won't show itself. I placed it in the page description area, but for some reason, my template refuses to update itself in that regard. I'll give it a few more days before trying something else.

Ugh. I despise being sick. The only good thing about it is the chance to get away from it all for awhile. I didn't get to attend Bible study tonight because of my illness and the windchill, which is supposed to reach at least 40 below zero. Hopefully I can get the notes from someone. I wonder if my car will start tomorrow; it doesn't have a cord for plugging it in.

Haven't got much to say tonight. Mostly I'm just waiting for my health to return, so I can get on with living.

 
Well, tonight is a good night. Exercise helps a lot, I've noticed. Despite an attack of the sniffles, I'm alert and relatively energetic. Or I was, until I burned off that energy on the treadmill. Now I'm relaxed. The best part of exercising comes just after you exercise.

Blogger.com needs a search tool or categorization of some sort so you can find bloggers with similar interests as you. I suppose there's one somewhere on there that I just haven't found yet.

Perhaps I can add a counter to this page. Time to find out.

 
Here I am again. What the heck is WRONG with me tonight? I can't seem to get motivated to do anything, especially my homework. Even SimCity 4 has failed to lure me into its beckoning depths. Nights like this drive me crazy.

I'll tell you what it is. It's that stupid book. I highly recommend "The Journey of Desire" by John Eldredge to any Christian suffering from a nameless longing they can't explain. In fact, I recommend it to anyone who wants that desire explained, because we all have it; but go in with your eyes open, because once you wake that desire, you walk a thin line between taking delight in its freedom and going mad trying to appease it. My desire is so strong that managing it is like trying to halter-break a wild stallion. I know, I know... God should be the one managing it, not me. But believe me, giving it over to Him is no simple task. Especially at night. What is it about nighttime that turns it into a raging fire? In the mornings I'm fine, task-oriented, ready to get out there and get some things accomplished, and do it with a light heart. Afternoons, I'm sleepy or social, depending on the environment; stable, steady, comfortable. Then evening comes along and slowly I wake up to it, and nothing satisfies. This doesn't happen every night, mind you; it comes and goes. Wish I could explain it away as a personality disorder, but my conscience knows better.

Oh well. So I'm emotional. The problem arises when it interferes with other things, like getting homework done. Some nights I wish I could just take the entire night off and do absolutely NOTHING productive with my time. SimCity for hours! Yeah! Actually, I should schedule nights like that. Might make the emotions thing easier. Can't really do that during the school year though; gotta wait for summer, when I can schedule a night knowing that I won't have any homework. School is so invasive.

I need a creative outlet. Gotta sit down and make myself learn how to use the synth one of these days. That, or work piano or trumpet up again. I was a darn good trumpet player. Seriously. It's ok to revel in one's accomplishments now and then. Unfortunately, it started taking too much time to keep the trumpet thing going. Maybe after I'm out of school, I'll have room in my schedule for time-consuming projects like that. But what can I do for now that won't take much learning?

I guess this blog is something of a creative outlet. Nobody reads it, though. I've gotta decide whether or not I actually want a following in here. Almost no one knows about it. My instincts say I should erase all the stuff I just wrote and not be so personal. But that would take away from the whole purpose of this blog, which is to provide a place in which I can be myself in all my weirdness. You know though, really it wouldn't be a problem to let others know about it, because whoever knows me in real life will never believe that the picture of myself I present here is actually me! Ha. Life is so ironic.

 
Well, thankfully, most of yesterday's mood has lifted. Sorry for yesterday's depressing tone. (As if anyone actually reads this to care.)

Am I the only person on the planet who lives life to this emotionally intense degree? Everyone else I know who does is either living in sin or unstable, or both. Come on, there's no way I'm the only passionate person still walking in the faith. You know, it's funny, too, because anyone who knows me on the surface thinks I'm one of the calmest, most unruffled, and probably most boring people on the earth. They only think that because that's all they ever see. Almost all of me is hidden away inside, percolating there until the right people come along to appreciate the flavor. I'm actually a deep thinker and a very deep feeler. I wish there were more deep thinkers and feelers out there that I could relate to. Most of them are extroverts, who don't notice introverted people like me and don't take the time to see if there's anything more to them. Although, you know, I'm starting to believe that many introverted people's emotions are just as strong as the extroverts', but buried so well that most people never find out about them.

Mp3s from SimCity 4 make good blogging music. I like the urban sound, like Ocean's 11's soundtrack. Good schtuff.

January has made its usual ambling entrance, followed by monotonous fog. I'm already eager for spring. About this time of year, I always find myself planning gardens, wearing scented lotions and doing everything else I can to bring a bit of spring into the dreariness of winter. The sad thing is, spring here may not come until May or later. You never know. Still, I don't think I'd want to live anywhere that didn't have the potential to drop or rise 40 degrees in temperature within half an hour. My trumpet teacher from high school lived in Hawaii for years, and he told me that the infinitesimal variance in temperatures drove him nuts because he was used to North Dakota's unpredictability. It didn't change more than about five or so degrees during pretty much the whole growing season. I don't think I could take that... although living in Hawaii would probably have enough benefits to make up for it.

There are so many thoughts bouncing around in my head like rowdy schoolchildren. Most of them are mundane ponderings, not worth expressing on cyberpaper. But that's what this blog is for, right? I get to say whatever's on my mind, be it crucial or trivial. Nobody reads this anyway. If somebody does, I apologize for what may follow. :o)

Something about nature is healing to the soul. When I was younger, I used to spend pretty much the entire day outside in the summertime. I had an imagination, so there was always something to do. What happened to that imagination, anyway? Society kills imagination, I've come to that conclusion. When we grow up, we learn to sit in front of the TV for hours and let popular culture carry us away on waves of fantasy, living vicariously through the faces flashing past before our eyes. Or we become computer zombies, like me. Or we succumb to a variety of other mind-numbing pastimes. (No, not all TV or computer stuff is mind-numbing, I know.) Perhaps growing up means a loss of innocence and therefore a loss of hope for something better, which might lead to a loss of imagination. Is there any way to reclaim that innocence without becoming a child again?

Side Note: why the heck is there a hive on my face? Something in that caesar salad at TGI Friday's must have set me off. Not cool. Time to break out the Benadryl. Or is it Benedryl? Benadryl, Benedryl. No clue.

It's Benadryl. I had to look. Out of the stuff though, so hopefully this hive is solitary.

Enough of this for awhile. I might write again later.

 
Today has been one of those days that seems tinged with an unshakeable sadness. I've nearly felt like crying for most of the day (no, it's NOT pms) and all I want to do right now is listen to this sad music I pulled from the SimCity 4 mp3 files. There's a burden resting on my shoulders, but I'm not sure of its origin or reason for being there.

All I can feel is a deep sense of loss, of hopelessness concerning the lives around me. Culture is tainted, despairing... there is no hope to be found anywhere. Everyone's reconciled to living in the sad half-light of a dying world... no future... I really can't explain this. I've been in the house all day, hiding from reality I suppose, which isn't a bad thing; everyone needs a day away from it all once in awhile. But it's still there, just waiting to steal my peace again and again. It's like walking through a nearly abandoned town, except everyone's still there, smiling and acting like nothing's wrong, when the paint is peeling and the streets are full of violence, and the sun is setting blood-red over the distant hills... and they keep stopping me, trying to drag me off to another town council meeting or nightclub or school picnic, and they can't see how their lives are falling to pieces around them. And if you look around, every now and then, you can see one or two or ten of them just get up and walk to the eastern end of town, into the dark, and you never see them again...

This is very depressing. But it's the burden I always carry for mankind, to one degree or another, and now more than ever before. They say that having the prophetic and mercy giftings in balance is a special gift, and indeed it is; but this is the picture it gives me. My prophet side shows me how mankind is going to hell in a handbasket, and running to their own destruction; and my mercy side cries bitterly at the awful finality of it all.

We as Christians can't get comfortable here. We can enjoy life, but in reality, we're here to drag the miserable and the despairing away from the edge, if they'll let us at all. That's the worst part, right there... most of them kick and scream until we let go, and they dive right off the edge, all on their own... and you can hear their cries as they once again see where they're going and scrabble for any hold they can get on the edge, but by then it's too late...

 
I've been rather discouraged tonight. This morning, I had to sit through yet another literature-class-turned-into-liberal-Christianity-seminar. It's even worse than theology classes because I have to just sit there and let the teacher (and most of the class) regard the Bible as any other piece of literature. The approach is, "Nobody knows where the Bible REALLY comes from, so it must not be the only truth. Religion is simply the opiate of the masses." And this at a Catholic college. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; academia almost always takes the liberal viewpoint in everything. My sociology class last semester pushed the same agenda; religion is simply a social control, they said. A lot of Christians actually believe that, too! They don't think it through enough to realize that if Christianity isn't the way to God, then pretty much anything goes. I mean, why even bother with Christianity? Pick something easier. Better yet, mix them all until you come up with a religion that fits your own preferences. Isn't that what society is doing these days?

I'm worried about the future. What happens when my generation starts to gain influence and power in this country? Will we lose the right to discipline our children, teach them about God, and control what they're exposed to? The liberals were smart, you know. They got to the children. They took over the world of academia and plastered their agenda all over mass media. In thirty years, the brainwashed generations will come into power and take our freedoms away. What are we to do?

It's not just a conservatives vs. liberals thing. I know there are some very well-intentioned liberal Christians out there. The point is, walking away from the Bible and the idea of mere faith is NOT the answer. Christianity is livable, and can be carried out in a practical manner in a person's life; but nobody knows how to do that anymore. The charismatic movement focused too much on emotions and when those die off, we Christian youth are left with nothing to our faith. That's a very dangerous situation, one which I don't see very many Christian organizations jumping to correct.

What can we do? For once, I have no ideas. I honestly don't know how to take back the minds of the nation's youth for Christ. We've got to get a stab at their minds if we want any chance at their hearts. Of that, I am totally convinced.

 
I'm beginning to despise homework. So I'm being positive by ignoring it. One more year after this... just one more year...

Anyway. SimCity 4 comes out this weekend!!! I've got to have $50 somewhere that I can invest in educational simulation... oh, I get paid in a couple days. Good deal. I'm playing SimCity 3000 Unlimited like mad in an attempt to enjoy it as much as possible before I shelve it. My city consists of almost a million people and a rich treasury of $15 million. I admit, I'm rather proud of it. The land value has been managed well, and most of it is high or very high. And then there's everyone's favorite, "astronomical." Got plenty of that, too. (Never mind that my empire consists of bits and bytes. Hey, it's stress relief.)

I am bound and determined to develop my MSN web community. Oops, they call them "groups" now. I've got over 200 people, but the trick is in getting them to talk. Newbies are always a bit frightened of a foreign interface and faces -- er, fonts -- that they don't know. How does one break the ice? I wish somehow a person could make money through the facilitation of internet communication. I suppose there are ways of doing so, besides specializing in email spamming.

Haven't got that much to say this time around, I guess. Have a good night, keep on truckin', may the force be with you.

 
Just when you start to think you might have life figured out, God loves to come along and burst your bubble.

I love that about Him.

The new year has been something of a challenge, so far. I'm learning that life really is a struggle, though; no matter how hard we try, we're never quite going to make it to happiness while on this earth. Most Americans spend their entire lives chasing that elusive happiness. The media would have us believe that if you just buy the right things, know the right people, and live the right way, you can be content. But I've discovered, at least in the case of my own life, that the harder I chase those things the more miserable I get. It's only when I admit that I'm a dethroned princess living in a wasteland that I start to know real hope. We weren't meant to live like this. We were created for perfection. We're all deep sea fish trapped in tide pools, and our time is running out.

I've been reading "The Journey of Desire" by John Eldridge, and that book is responsible for this change in perspective. It's wonderful to finally have a name for that desire that's been driving me to find happiness, peace, contentment. It's a real desire, the deepest desire of the hearts of mankind, and until we acknowledge its legitimacy, we spend all our days chasing something we can never catch. It's so freeing to finally say that this isn't the performance, it's just the dress rehearsal. This isn't the only chance we get to enjoy the things we were created for. We were made for eternity, to fulfill our desires doing what we've only dreamed, and this is just a practice run.

 
No matter what happens to me, I promise you the reader that I will never be intentionally outright cruel to people through this blog. I will most likely rant, complain, rejoice, condemn, ponder, grumble, muse, speculate, share, explain, narrate, declare, and confess, among many other forms of expression. I will stand up for what I believe is the truth, and denounce evil in general as I see it. But I will do my best to never look down on someone because they see a situation differently than I do, even if they're in the wrong. Sure, I'll probably complain about them, maybe even express my disgust concerning behavior of their category of people in general. But I refuse to attack them personally when they do what they believe is right in a given circumstance.

 
Things are changing so quickly, I can barely keep up with them.

The past several days have been emotional hell, please pardon my French. You think you can be pushed so far, and then life pushes you a little more, and a little more beyond that. And then you stagger to your feet, wobbly, and praise God you're still alive... and stronger for all you've been through. Like I said in one of my earlier posts, pain can be beautiful with time.

Delirious? has done it again! Grab their new cd, ":touch", if you get a chance. It's very worth the investment. The latest HearItFirst sampler is pretty good, too... it includes new songs by Switchfoot and Newsboys, presumably from the cds they will release soon. The Grits song on there,"Ooo Aah," is my favorite by that group; and the Andy Hunter song called "Thrill" is definitely worth listening to if you like the techno/dance scene. I'm thinking about picking up his cd, if I can find it.

Tomorrow, things are going to be drastically different around here. All the stuff on my walls is coming down, to be replaced by something, I don't know what yet. Maybe I'll go find some 2003 calendars on sale and cut the pictures out, and put those up. My floor is going to be CLEAN! No more of this tornado zone theme. Perhaps I'll even clean my closet. Oy. Big task.

 
Wow! It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for one's outlook on life.

This morning, despite the somewhat gloomy atmosphere outdoors, my energy returns with full force. Time to tackle a few opportunities. Provided I manage to get my finances back in order after the holiday splurge, I intend to head down to the local Christian bookstore and get something to help me resume my pursuit of God. Not that I haven't been chasing Him, but, things have been slow lately; and I'm ready to get some discipline back into my walk. Not only that, but I like to read, so it's all good. Maybe I'll get some music, too. I haven't been able to keep up with the newer stuff while trying to replace the rest of my previous collection.

On the other hand, it's been great to have the old music back. Thanks to my sister, I now have copies of most of the cds I lost. I particularly miss Skillet's worship cd, though, which she doesn't have. At the moment, I'm listening to dct's Jesus Freak, which makes me feel like I'm in high school again. Ah... those were the days, when my faith was fresh and innocent, and life was full of potential and promise. I wonder if it's possible to return to that childlike approach, yet retain the lessons learned from the hard times I've been through.

 
Well, I can't say that I'm thrilled with the new year so far. But, hope still sings from a faraway tree and God is carrying me through it all.

It's time to get my life in order. The new year is here, after all, and now is the perfect chance for fresh beginnings, at least in some things. As soon as my dad can actually walk from one end of my room to the other without stepping on anything, Cakewalk finds a happy home on my computer and I begin expressing my musical genius through the midi synthesizer my dad and I own. (Hook it up to the software and I've got a complete workstation, sequencer and all.) With a bit of luck and a whole lot of money, I'll soon possess a new computer as well, assembled by myself. This one will serve me well as a guinea pig for experiments.

Classes resume next Monday. Ugh. I'll be greatly relieved when my schooling is over and I can actually make money with my time, instead of losing both to my college's whims. This semester isn't as bad; one of my classes is an internship, so at least I can kill two birds with one stone. Not only that, but I'm taking another one by correspondence. This semester should be much better than the previous one.

Time to make a dent in the federally declared disaster area that is my room. Toodles.