Whew! Just got back from this weekend's road trip. I'm pretty tired, but I'll engage in a quick blogging session before calling it a night.
A road trip was exactly what I needed. Getting out of Bismarck for a couple days was good for me. The best part about it, though, was getting to spend quality time enjoying the company of longtime Christian friends. I haven't had that in a long, long while. Laughter is the best medicine, they say, and I did a heck of a lot of laughing this weekend.
Well, something is definitely up. Perhaps it was simply the road-trip spirit; but, for whatever reason, I came home tonight relaxed and cheerful. No, it wasn't just the road-trip spirit. For about two weeks now, God has been whispering more loudly in my ear than usual. I don't know why, but every now and then, He decides to do something in my life; and this time it's big enough that I got wind of what's happening ahead of time. I'm both excited and curious to find out what He's got up His sleeve. These times are really fun; I can almost hear Him, and feel Him there, counseling me through the hard stuff and carrying me through what should normally crush me to the floor. He's up to something, I know it. My sensitivity to spiritual things is turning its focus back toward the innocent curiosity I had about four or five years ago, when I started waking up to it on a large scale for the first time. This weekend I got to watch videos of experiences from around that innocent time, filmed by my friend Matt (he graduated from the same class as I did), and that brought back a lot of memories; and on the way home today, Sarah and I spent a lot of the drive listening to nostalgia music, old DCT and Newsboys, which also reminded me of what it was like to be me at that point in my life. I was just starting to get a thirst for something much deeper and more meaningful than I knew. The Medora retreat of my senior year was probably the first event at which I really became aware of that something. From then on it only got better... senior trip, and Day One, and later, the Holy Spirit Conference. If I could relive any period of my life up to this point, I'd probably pick that spring.
Something happened, though. I don't know what it was. Perhaps life just got more complicated. At some point shortly after those experiences, I shut down the deepest emotional caverns of my heart... for protection from life, I suppose. Since then, I've only been half living; even the Teen Mania experience didn't drag open the doors to that hidden inner me. It's hard to describe what happened. In the midst of all that shutdown, God sneaked in and made Himself at home in there. That probably happened during the TM fasting retreat. Since that, He's slowly been working me back around to the point I'm at now. I'm hungry. Don't get me wrong; I don't trust churches yet in general, and I'm less sure than ever about the spiritual side of Christianity. But, I'm hungry for what I had before, and this time I'm not going to stop until I find it. The Church isn't sure, but God is. This is trust practice. Hear that, Lord? I'm practicing trusting You. Please, don't let me down.
It's back. My emotions recovered and now they're dictating again. GO AWAY! Some days I'd just rather not have emotions at all. Why can't I control this?? I've always had control over everything else. I had to shut down everything for years just to suppress this craziness, and now that I'm finally waking up again, it's waking up too. What am I supposed to do??? I can't kill it. Believe me, I've TRIED.
I have no option but survival. But survival means pain. I don't know if I can take it. God help me... please...
Blogging time! I'm at work again. I get to leave a few minutes early today, because of all the stuff that still needs to be done before tomorrow afternoon. I've got to make a cake and buy a present for my mom's birthday, which is tomorrow but we're celebrating it tonight since I won't be here tomorrow evening. Supper will be delicious, whatever my mom decides to choose. That's tradition in my family. Birthday girl (or guy) gets to pick the meal.
Today is a good day! My emotional state has drastically improved, thanks to God and busyness. It's when I get bored that I start fighting negative emotions, which wear me out, which makes me tired, which leads to all kinds of problems. Boredom's pretty high up there on the list of causes for all evils. I've declared my own personal war on boredom. No more tyranny!
Back to work. I need to see if I can index another couple hundred before I leave today. Then it's FREEDOM! I love weekends. Especially road trip ones.
Wow. God is SO COOL. He's so cool because I can say He's cool and actually mean it with all my heart.
I got to be a listener for several people today. Listening is so much fun! It's always more than it seems. When you listen to people, you tell them that they're important and that their way of thinking means something to you. When somebody's distressed or upset or just needs an ear, there's nothing more satisfying than having an understanding soul there to listen. I know, because I've relied on listeners in my life when I've had trouble. I'm learning, too, that the best listener spends most of the time merely listening and learns when the time is right to offer advice, if ever. I wasn't good at that tact part before. I'm still learning, but it's better than it was.
And then when you're done listening to somebody, you might even get the chance to encourage them, which is REALLY fun. Yay!
Bible study was pretty good today. We're talking about friendship evangelism. I've never liked the term "evangelism," but it's taking on a new meaning as elements of the Church FINALLY start catching up with the times. The book our leader is using focuses on building relationships with non-believers. It still contained things like "five questions to ask nonbelievers to stimulate spiritual conversation," and I have such a grudge against formula Christianity that it was hard to take that seriously; but, I suppose it depends on the person. If I confine myself to any kind of formula for "sharing my faith," I sound unnatural and fake. So, I don't use formulas anymore. They aren't real-world enough for me.
One thing I've learned about conversing with others on this subject is that I absolutely HAVE to be sincere, straight from the heart. There's something about hearing somebody who really believes what they believe, without any fluff or anything... a hardcore faith, one that's survived through hell and back, and lived to tell about it. It's been a fascinating journey to the point in my life where I see God as a separate thing from the whole Christianity package that I grew up on. There are many aspects to the Church that have always rung false to my ears... not truth, mind you, just the fluff that goes along with it. I want that hardcore faith, where I'm totally tuned in to reality and yet more solidly relying on God than at any time previous. I want it BADLY. I want to be able to prove to anyone who wants to know that I'm not on some Christian trip or happy cloud, that I've been down all the philosophical roads and experienced what there is to enjoy here on earth, and STILL found nothing that compares to the knowledge deep inside of me that no matter what I do to mess things up, the Person from whom I want the most approval will always be there, knowing me to my core and loving me anyway. Who could resist a love like that?
Sorry. Got a little carried away there. Whew! Yeah. Like I said before, God's pretty darn cool... and He's Mr. Cool all by Himself, without all the churchy fluff. Hehe. Fluff sold separately. Or, better yet, fluff not included.
Existence has taken on a strange feel. I don't know how to describe it. For the past couple days, I've been in the kind of mood to sit and watch a thunderstorm, and listen to the rain... or take a walk in the stillness at sunset... or gaze at the stars in the dark and silence of night. Strange mood. I don't really know what to do with it.
Apparently I was able to fight off whatever was bothering my throat. I'm still being cautious, to avoid stressing anything, but so far so good. Tonight is Bible study. Tomorrow I cram like crazy for a statistics test Friday morning, and then it's off to Minnesota to visit my friends! Looking forward to that, bigtime.
Whew. I need a break from all this craziness. The road trip should do me good.
I woke up this morning with a slightly swollen throat. This had better be all the worse it gets, or I'm going to be ticked; I'm heading out to an open house seven hours away this weekend, and if I come down with something, I won't be healthy enough to leave on Friday. Gotta make sure I get my sleep, drink plenty of water, and not stress out.
Speaking of not stressing out, my emotions went on overload for about a day, then mercifully shut down. Now I'm just kind of existing, and recovering; I can still sense stuff, but in a quieter, more accepting sense, like when I was a kid. This is usually when I go on a classical music kick and spend a lot of time enjoying nature or natural things. Haven't got there yet, but I suppose it's coming. I'm still listening to Evanescence pretty much exclusively, but I'm starting to feel the need for variety again.
Off to stats. I know I'm not going to hear a word of what the teacher says today. That's ok, though, the test isn't until Friday, and I've kept up pretty well so far, despite the spring fever. Can't wait til summer.
Time has just stopped. I don't know why. I'm supposed to be studying for a literature test tomorrow, one of the few graded assignments we get in that class, but I have absolutely no power of concentration to apply to my books. I've got a statistics test at the end of the week, too; and I admit I couldn't care less about that. Apparently spring fever took me out without much trouble, and now I'm sitting here, unsure of what to do with myself, wishing I was anywhere but stuck in my room with my studies. UGH. Listening to Evanescence is helping me control the restlessness, though. I'll make it yet.
Tomorrow I don't have class until 11:00, again. Perhaps I should use my extra time to clean my room. The place looks like a tyrannosaurus rex stomped on it. Hehe. One of these days, I really will get organized.
Oh no... it's beginning again. Usually I don't get particularly sensitive until nightfall. I wish God would tell me what's up with this thing. There have been times like this before when I've been open during the day, but they usually don't last long, thank God. They wear me out pretty fast. Most of the time they only occur when I'm super low on sleep or highly stressed, neither of which is true of me at this point. UGH. What is going on??? Am I finally about to find out why I was given this ability, whatever it is? Something's up. I'm all out of whack.
Well. Nothing to do but watch and wait.
On a lighter note, today holds promise. I totally forgot that I didn't have my first class this morning, which is ok since my biological clock would have disturbed my sleep at about 7 a.m. anyway. For some reason, I can't sleep in anymore, not for the life of me. It's highly irritating.
Lord, I want freedom, or vindication, or at least explanation. HELP.
My car's clean. Today is the first day it's been this clean since last summer. The exterior is clean, anyway... I have yet to vacuum it out.
Change is on the horizon, all right. Some of it's already here. I'm still in something of a transition, although I'm completely confused as to where events are headed. I'm getting impressions from several different sources, and haven't sorted them all out yet. Crazy stuff. I guess it's just a matter of waiting out the flood and seeing what's left after the torrent has passed.
Anyone who reads this should check out the band Evanescence. Very good stuff. I bought the cd yesterday and pretty much haven't stopped listening to it since. At this point, I'd describe them as Enya meets Linkin Park. Not sure that's accurate, but it'll do for now.
Off I go to... oh, I don't know. I'll find something to do.
Wow. Life is CRAZY. And that's all I have to say about that.
On the way back home from leadership meeting, I saw this SUV approaching, and all you could see in the interior was a pair of white dice, lit up by my headlights as I passed it. How freaky that would be if that's really all there was in there... sentient white dice. I wonder what dice would do if they could think. What conditions would motivate them? Better tosses, fair shakes! No weighted dice. That just isn't a nice thing to do. How cruelly inhibiting. We'd have to form an association for the protection of dice. Save the dice! No racism either. All sentient creatures are created equal... white, black, and white-and-black!
Hehe. I guess human nature still wouldn't change much if we added sentient dice to the picture.
Whatever's going on, though, I think it's a good thing. I feel more alive than I've felt in years. Springtime does a body good, if for no other reason than the fact that I can now exercise outside. I'm sure that spring's responsible for this change, though, or is at least encouraging it. I'm thawing with the weather. Time to live; no more of this dilly-dallying. Life is short, so I can't afford to squander it on waiting for things to happen to me.
As to what I should go out and do, I have no clue. For now, I'm just trying to keep my academic boat afloat. We had a test in both my classes today; the literature one was a piece of cake. Not sure how the statistics one went. I have a good instinctive feel for math, but when it comes to working out the problems, I tend to miss some abstract but critical thing that changes my whole answer and costs me valuable points, sometimes grades' worth.
Heh. Kind of sounds like my approach to life. Same results, too.
Well. I don't really know what's going on with me today. The winds of change are howling, and I'm not sure I'm ready to stand my ground amidst their fury.
Something is waking up in me, something that hasn't been active in a very long time... three, four, maybe even five years. I don't have a name for it yet. My energy level is up, my desire to create rising with it; I'm more emotionally susceptible to stimuli, but not necessarily moody. What's going on? I can't focus on my studies anymore; I'm listening to a TON of music each day; I've been lost in memories a lot lately, but the future seems to hold great promise... though why I should feel that way, I don't know. Nothing much has changed as of yet.
I guess there's nothing to do but monitor these signs until they point to something definite. I hope this is a good development, whatever its purpose.
Just got back from Bible study. Most times, it's the highlight of my week. By the end of today, though, I felt like I couldn't breathe in there; everything just got too noisy. I need some serious alone time, away from everybody, not to think but to just sit there and be, without being aware of anybody else.
Am I the only one who is always aware of the people around me? Surely there are others with the same perception. I'm always picking up on the presences of the people I'm with, especially if I know them. Most of the time, it's fun to have that, but some days the crowds feel like people-babble, all around me... even if they aren't saying anything, their personalities are, and it's just noisy.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just weird. Maybe I just need sleep.
Wow... I just woke up from the weirdest dream I've had in a long time. My married friends Matt and Becky were living with their brother's girlfriend's parents (a made-up brother) in this really huge house somewhere in California or Florida, and a bunch of other people I know were there or made appearances in the dream. A lot of inane stuff happened that's funny only to me, but I do remember a few odd episodes of general interest. Some guy I know tried to seduce me in the middle of the night by throwing a virtual kitten through the bathroom window, and the kitten kept making all these strange beeping noises and that's how I figured out it wasn't real. Somehow, The Grand Theater here in my hometown ended up being next door, and I stood on the parking lot's northside wall with a bunch of people from my church. I don't remember what we did, but it was funny. One of the rooms in the house was supposed to be a friend's bedroom, but it had a gym floor in it and a window that wasn't really a window. I don't know what it was supposed to be, but it wasn't a window. I think a storm happened somewhere in the middle of all this, too. Oh yeah, and me and a bunch of people went fox hunting. But we didn't use horses or hounds. We found one, but then somebody called us back home and we jumped over the split-rail fence to get there. The terrain looked like what you see in the movie Braveheart, but it was sunny out. There's a whole lot more funny stuff that I already can't remember. *sigh*
The coolest thing about my new computer is the power button. I can turn it on with my toe.
Yeah. Time for me to go take a shower and wake up.
A deadline! Finally! The Dow expressed its relief, soaring upwards hundreds of points today. I'm quite relieved myself. The sooner we push Megalomaniac & Sons off their precarious pedestal, the better. Nobody likes war, but it seems we've got no other choice now, unless we want to suffer more 9/11s... or worse.
The weather has taken a considerable turn for the worse; but cloudy skies and misty precipitation didn't stop the birds from singing in the trees near my house today. Amazingly enough, they didn't stop my heart from singing, either. Usually gray days like this one bring me down. Old Man Winter's trying with all he's got to hang on, but his strength is slipping away and everybody knows it, even the birds.
Winamp 3 has its perks, like more creative skins; but I don't think its functionality is as good as previous versions. I have both versions 2 and 3 on my computer now... one to look at and one for simply playing music. Might as well have both, since I can. An 80 GB hard drive is a wonderful thing. An AMD 2000+ processor is a wonderful thing, too; SimCity's a whole nuther game with all the graphics settings kicked up to the High level.
Whew! Nothing like a brisk walk in the cooling evening to work up a cheerful mood. Too bad the weather's supposed to get nasty this week. I've been rather enjoying my daily rendezvous with the path that runs behind my neighborhood. My scale appreciates the effort, too.
So, what's on your minds, my mysterious readers? Too bad you can't respond; I'm in a rather chatty mood this evening. Hey, don't look at me like that, I know you're out there. My counter says so. Maybe someday I'll provide a way for interaction; for now, I rather enjoy the chance to ramble on by myself. Not ego, mind you, just a sense of fun and creativity.
My community meets its Maker this Wednesday. It's high time for it to go, but I know the moment of deletion will be difficult for me, after putting years' worth of effort into the place. At the same time, though, I admit to a sense of relief. CT will finally be at rest, and hopefully all its troubles with it. No more of that nonsense. Someday, when I have time and money to make it work, I'll start my own site. For now, I just need a break.
Off I go to play pinball. Stupid addictive game... almost worse than solitaire. This is what I get for switching to Windows 2000.
Adventure calls! For once, my night mood doesn't seem helpless. I sit here at my computer, the world at my fingertips. Quite literally. Life is full of wild, crazy potential, and I don't have to let it pass me by.
What a strange paradox of a mood. Heaven knows I'm still so tied to the past.
Of all situations, I never thought I'd be in this one. Freedom calls from the other side, to quote somebody. I forget who. Whom? I forget whom. Whatever. The heart is a night breeze, whispering of mysterious secrets. The heart is a prison, inside which my ever-responsible will waits patiently for its trial. Nobody knows the outcome. I don't even know it. I've become such a mystery that now I'm even a mystery to myself. Poetic justice, I suppose. Makes life interesting, but I admit I approach my darkest secrets with much trepidation these days. They tend to prove rather... well... challenging. I'll be positive and use that word.
On the bright side, at least I feel awake now. Spring has a habit of turning over the heaviest rocks to see what's hidden beneath. Nasty curiosity. Always gets people in trouble. While the insects scramble for cover, sunlight warms the earth. Only when the rocks are gone can things begin to grow. Unless they're worms. We don't want worms anyway. (How politically incorrect of me.)
Yeah. Awake. Perceptive. What controls this anyway? It's probably a figment of my imagination. I've tricked myself into seeing things that aren't there. Is that better than living with no imagination at all? To shut it down would be like going deaf or blind. Or both. Which is preferable, happy insanity or boring reality? Can the two be mixed? Who's to say which is really sanity? Don't get me wrong, I believe in absolute truth. But first you have to define "absolute."
Uh huh. Gotcha. Don't get scared, He's got it all figured out... which is why sometimes I think we don't have to.
I've made a decision. This year is going to be the year of new things. I've always been wary of trying new things, ever since I was little; and this year I'm going to break that long-standing tradition. Today I downloaded a bunch of Moby songs. Some of his stuff is plain weird, but some of it's worth listening to, if you don't mind sifting through all the songs to find the good ones. I'm going to explore in the musical realm, beyond anything I've ever tried before. It's high time I expanded my horizons.
I'm going to try other things too, but I'm sorry, fans, you'll just have to wait to find out what they are. I intend to try them before I talk about them here. That way, if I don't get around to it, I'm guilt-free.
I wish I could rewind my life and go back to high school. Life was pretty good until I graduated. Springtime was always busy during those happy years, so whenever it comes around, I live it up during the day and drown in memories at night. Sick, disgusting emotionalism wraps its slimy tentacles around my heart and pulls me under the waves to drink poisonous, lethal sorrow. Why do I allow this? I wish I could be a lean disciplined machine, like Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity. He didn't know who he was, but he sure knew how to take care of himself. Hmm. Sounds appealing. I'm just one smooth cookie, got it all together on the outside but a mess behind the scenes. What went wrong?
Don't trust people. It sucks when they leave you. It sucks even worse when you figure out that they never really cared all along.
I'm eating a Snickers bar. It's got almonds in it. I never purposely choose candy bars that contain almonds.
Weird.
Let's blame it all on spring! YEAH!! Spring is here and I've gone off the deep end. I don't know what it is about snow melting and warmer temperatures that brings on this crazy energy attack, but the blood in my veins is thinning out and I'm feeling just a little wild. Every year I go through this, usually several times as the days get progressively warmer. I'd like to attribute it to some primal instinctive female aggression that surfaces with the beginning of the new growth cycle; but I know better. I'm sure the reason for this extends to every realm, even the spiritual. Life is all tied up in that stuff, whether we like it or not.
The window is open in my office, the intoxicating aroma of spring on the air drifting through to swirl restlessly about me. Its relentless tug will drag me outdoors the minute I get home; the path is calling me to tread among the trees once again. Dad went with me last time, so today I think I'll talk my sister into walking with me. Now that the temperatures are escalating, the flab that's taken up residence on my belly is going to be evicted on short notice. No mercy. No mercy! Spring is here!
Tonight is a moody night. Mostly, I'm just pouting because my new computer is being repaired (go figure, it ALREADY doesn't work) and I won't get it until at least tomorrow morning. Still, that particular silent tantrum is giving way to a darker, less tangible mood. I've got Linkin Park's new song on repeat in Winamp to help ease the tension. In about an hour, I'll exercise and the dark mood will fade away for yet another day. I don't like not knowing what's at the root of these moods, but at least I've found a way to control them.
Them, and my weight. The small spare tire forming around my belly is slowly beginning to retreat; once summer hits and I'm walking every day, it will hopefully disappear entirely. I've already lost a good five pounds, though it doesn't show on the scale yet because I'm gaining muscle weight too. Yay. I'm not going to let the fat win. Not anymore. Now, if I could just apply that kind of ambition to the cleanup operation in my room, I'd be getting somewhere.
Spring break. So far, uneventful... but I should be grateful for that, right? No homework. I actually have plenty, but I'm gleefully procrastinating it. Tomorrow I'll probably sigh and give in to the demands of my statistics homework sheet. Ugh. I hope I never have to take a math class again.
Somebody remind me to blog in the mornings and afternoons. All you avid readers out there need to know, I'm not always this negative; I just tend to blog when I'm feeling anxious to express myself, and dark moods encourage that. One of these days I'll develop one of my musical interests into something I can use for that expression, and my tone on here should brighten considerably.
Linkin Park has a new cd coming out toward the end of this month. I'm tempted to buy it. I might as well buy their original release; it's only fair, since I've listened to mp3s from it two zillion times. I found one of the new songs available for listening at mp3.com, and so far I'm impressed. This particular song sounds more like "In The End" or "Papercut," which are both favorites of mine. Should be a cd worth buying.
The past few days have been a challenge. For some reason, I'm growing restless again. School just plain sucks lately (although being on spring break helps a little), and I'm finding it difficult to continue living at home. It's not that I'm ungrateful; I spent enough time in college dorms to appreciate free laundry, free meals, and free Internet... cable modem, at that. Fact is, I'm 21 and ready to really start exploring what life has to offer, to figure out what about me I want to develop and go with that. I know who I am now, at least to a degree I can work with, and I'm ready to go do something with what I know. I've got over a year left before I'm out of college. Over a year seems like an eternity some days. Will I be able to hang onto everything that's me, long enough to get into my own place and start expressing those things?
Expression takes money. Even when I do move out, I'm not going to be rich for awhile. Still, some autonomy would relieve the restless pressure a bit. What can I do now to soothe it? Spending less time in my room would help. Once summer gets here, I'll be out in the garden a lot, and hopefully hangin' with friends at night.
Ok, Tot, be honest. Mostly you're just tired of being a hermit. Giving yourself a little alone time is something you need to do, but you can't live like that. Leave your computer, and your room, and your house. Get out in the world a bit, make yourself useful. You'll feel better. But is feeling better really the target? Am I simply living selfishly? But then again, everything we do is selfish, whether it be to meet our needs or to feel better because we're meeting somebody else's needs.
Solomon was a smart guy... his conclusion to life's questions consisted simply of fearing God and keeping His commandments. I suppose that's all we can really try to do. Thank God for grace, which preserves the sanity of the perfectionist.
