Switchfoot is phenomenal. I just got back from Bible study and sang along full throttle with them all the way home (a whole five minutes or less). For some reason, every time I pick up a new cd by them, it's like fertilizer... the right kick at the right time to push me into the next growth phase of my relationship with God. The truths they sing about are the truths I'm discovering at that time. As a result, listening to those cds is like flipping through a wedding album or reading love letters from God to me; they remind me of what it was like to be me at the time I learned those particular lessons. Not only that, but the lyrics and the music have entwined themselves into the very core of who I am and what I'm becoming. They're very much a part of me, so much so that singing along with Switchfoot is almost like singing my own song, a tune that originates deep inside of me and flows out naturally from the depths of everything that I am. I wonder if that's what it's like to write music.

So yeah. Switchfoot's cool.

I sometimes wish I hadn't had to shield myself so carefully at TM. So many ideas were bouncing around that place, I had to be very careful and guard my mind so I wouldn't get led down some shaky path that could lead to something even worse... and it's not that TM's so horribly off track or anything. They just pushed some things I didn't agree with, and the pressure to go along with the crowd was so strong in that setting that I had to hang onto my mindset with everything I had, just to come out unscathed on the other side. Because of that, I'm very careful, even suspicious, about any new take on Christian teaching, be it good or bad. I want to be able to fight it, to discuss my objections with the party doing the teaching, to do anything that will prevent me from simply swallowing whatever's been spooned onto my spiritual plate, even if it's the healthiest food out there. The prophetic tendencies in me -- the desire to guard the Word, to weed out anything that might pull down the Church, to find the right way and follow it no matter what -- those tendencies pretty much go into overdrive and all my attention gets focused on sifting out the truth from what's being said. Oddly enough, at the same time I'm fighting hard against any attempt by anyone to narrow life down to a true/false, right/wrong, no-third-option existence. That's odd because that's the opposite of what my prophetic side is yelling in my other ear. But maybe the balance is necessary. It has to be, because taking either extreme (black/white or everything's-gray) and running with it leads to problems, and I know that from experience; and since we can't really meet between those two, we have to go to option C, way out there in left field... and option C says we can have both at the same time. Don't you hate it when you run into one of those concepts? They're sprinkled all over the Bible. The Trinity, the God-man, 2 + 2 = 2. Frustrating, and yet you can sort of halfways understand, if you think about it.

Yeah. So I guess it boils down to this: I like to argue. lol. I'm a walking melting pot of contradictions and conflicts, continuously checking and double-checking whatever answers I've found in life, to make sure I don't lead myself or somebody else down the wrong road. Ironically enough, I've got a balance figured out inside me somewhere, which is why I can live in any kind of peace; but don't ask me to explain it to you, because I can't. You just have to hang around me long enough and listen for awhile, and after a time you'll hear enough from both sides to figure out what it is I'm really trying to say.

At this point though, I think I've said enough for one night. Time for bed. I need my sleep for tomorrow's three-hour final. Yuck. Thank God this is the last math class I'll ever have to take. Freedom's calling from the other side, though... from Saturday, which is my first real day of summer vacation. Yeah! I can make it!

 
Whoa. You ever have one of those moments where you're just sure you know what's going on, then the truth bowls you over with a punch like that of an overweight sumo wrestler?

Well, I did. I was wrong. It IS God that I need. Not that the other points weren't valid, but see, I was confusing two issues here. One, the secondary issue, stems from my need to explore the world around me, find friends, leave an impact on others, make a difference. The other supercedes the first; it is my need for the relationship part of knowing God. It isn't enough to just have salvation and then try to do good stuff. And don't think that's as simple a truth as it sounds; it's a lot easier to slip into that pattern than you may think. Sometimes you think you're pursuing the relationship with all you've got, and really you're just singing along to God's tune, instead of trying to really know Him. The difference can be a very fine line, and you can be fooled. Honestly. If you haven't discovered that yet, keep pushing on in the Christianity thing, you'll eventually get there.

Anyways, I was busily floating away on my emotions, trying to feel God there and frustrated when I couldn't. But you know, I'm not entirely convinced that a relationship with God consists solely of direct communication with Him. In fact, sometimes when you can't feel God, I'm starting to think maybe that's when you've gotta just try as hard as you can to push through it until you get to the other side, regardless of the reason for the barrier in the first place. Maybe it's you, maybe it isn't. Sometimes all I know about God is that I'm supposed to go about my day and obey Him; and during those times, my focus is more on living life here on earth, rather than thinking about God stuff or heaven or whatever. And I think that's ok. Down times are normal. If you have a significant other, do you spend ALL your time being romantic with that person? Of course not, you'd get tired of each other. However, that doesn't mean you don't want to be together, particularly if you're married to the person. And sometimes the commitment means you do things together that have nothing to do with romance, like buying a house or going to Christmas parties or taking care of the lawn.

More and more, I'm discovering that walking with God is a lot like a marriage relationship. When you first fall in love with Him, you get excited and life's a dream, and it's all very new and exciting. You commit to Him, and for awhile, nothing else in life matters to you as much as He does. Then things start grabbing your attention, and you get tested as to whether or not He'll stay in that place in your life. If you stick with it, you move into the working stage, where your goal in life is to do what He wants you to do... be in a ministry, or raise a family, or whatever it is He's called you to do. Over time, the romance changes. It may not the heady craziness of the earliest years, but actually what you have is better, because you know that you can rely on Him and you know better how to please Him. Then, as time goes on, the romance matures into a depth of commitment you couldn't possibly have known when the whole thing started.

The most beautiful thing about this pattern is the victory in its ending. When you're in a relationship with a person, eventually it all winds down to a stop when one of you passes into the next life. But when we finish the race, when the long journey through life has been traveled to its destination, we walk through the gates of Paradise and discover that the whole thing was merely the first step, like catching the eye of someone across the room; and now we're going over there to meet Him, and then the actual romance begins!

Man, I'm getting all excited just thinking about it. The beauty of that truth just blows me away. It takes the pressure off, too; we don't have to perform for God, and if we screw up everything the whole way through life, we can still walk confidently into heaven knowing we're loved beyond measure. Wow.

 
It's getting ready to storm outside. I match the weather tonight.

This is one of those moments when sanity hits like a bolt of lightning. Most of the time, I bounce around relatively contentedly, doing my thing, living my life, taking each day as it comes and worrying about the next month or two in advance. Every now and then, the rat race grinds to a screeching halt and I am suddenly aware of how ridiculously pointless it all is. What am I chasing? What am I desiring so fiercely, driven by a passion that won't let me rest? Whatever it is doesn't seem to be worth the effort, because I never manage to actually capture it.

And pleeease don't try to tell me that it's God. I've already got Him. He's the one reason I haven't thrown in the towel already, and the only reason I still manage to get up in the morning. So what am I missing? Why, during these rare periods of lucidity, do I come face to face with the fact that I'm not at peace? Life seems to be so purposeless, so directionless. Is it me? Am I just moody? Do I have some kind of personality disorder? Maybe it's my environment. Maybe I just don't belong here. Don't get me wrong, I love North Dakota, and I don't want to leave; but perhaps I'll be pushed out by this insatiable longing for something more. I'm not finding a life worth living here. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I need to go elsewhere to find my kind of people. I don't know.

Why am I still here, on earth, waiting for a nameless answer to my nameless question? There has to be something more to life than this pointless plodding along, this empty nothing. I have no clue what I'm going to do if I can't find it.

 
Wow. That was one seriously pathetic round of Pinball.

No worries, I haven't been sitting on my computer all day. Quite the contrary, in fact. This morning I went to the grocery store and bought myself some fruit and cheese, labeled them as mine, and put them in the fridge. I'm going on a self-designed weight reduction program. I refuse to call it a diet because (1) diets are evil, and (2) the concept of a diet involves eating less, which is not to be the case here. I'm eating the same amount of food, but its content has changed. More meat and cheese, way more fruits and veggies, and considerably fewer complex carbohydrates (breads, starches, and so on).

This afternoon was work, of course, which was tolerable, it being jeans day and all. A couple days ago, I got flowers from my boss for Administrative Professionals Week. He's really a very decent guy, and not just because he gave me flowers. I'm lucky to have my job, working for a small business run by a man who's a Christian, no less.

After work I rushed home, walked the path as usual, hurried through supper and helped my dad fertilize the lawn. He broke his ankle a few weeks ago, and so lawn care has been delegated to me for the time being. A couple weekends ago I had to mow it, twice in fact, since we were using the de-thatching blade and I had to go over it again to pick up all the dead grass. I must not have been used to the heat, because I suffered some form of heat exhaustion for a couple days afterward. Between that and an unexpected severe heartburn attack, I was in a rather miserable state for awhile. All's good now, though, and after that experience, fertilizing was almost no work at all.

As a reward to myself for all the work and for eating so well today, I allowed my parents to drag me to Dairy Queen. (Well, actually that was my idea.) A Brownie Earthquake tastes so good after you've earned it with a little physical labor.

Time to head upstairs and watch a movie. Thank God It's Friday!

 
Riley Armstrong is a superb lyricist. Any of you who haven't heard his music need to give it a few moments of your time.

FREEDOM! I suffered through my last full day of classes yesterday. Just one more stats session to endure, and a couple finals, and then I slip through academic tyranny's fingers for yet another set of summer months. I'd give a lot to be graduating this year, though, with the rest of my original class. At least my last two semesters should be easy ones.

Less than a month until I turn the big 22. How can I be that old? Time flies by much too quickly. You know what's sad, though? My birthday isn't going to be on a Thursday this time around. I'd hoped for years that it would be, so I could truthfully sing along with one of Switchfoot's songs that has a line about being born on a Thursday, 22 years ago. Alas, it is not so. I'm crushed. My life is in pieces on the floor.

I have to laugh at myself. Anyone reading this blog must think I'm schizophrenic or something; I sound like a different person each time I post. My apologies if you find it confusing.

Somebody explain to me why any city official in his right mind would schedule simultaneous construction work on the only two roads by which a north-Bismarck native might make her way to college in a reasonable amount of time. I'm certainly not the only commuter coming from that direction; I know, because my back-up route is noticeably busier in the mornings now, particularly in the ten-minute time span just before 9:00. Thanks to that, the big hole in Century, and the rebuilding of State Street, I'm having a rather difficult time getting around town. I will be much relieved to see the end of construction season, when it does come... which won't be until I'm well into the next school year. Never mind, I have no desire to think that far ahead. I'll take orange cones over academia any day.

Until then, though, I intend to thoroughly enjoy my last summer of freedom. To do that, I need to get my butt offline and do something even more fun than loitering in cyberspace. (Imagine that!) Roger roger. Tot out.

 
Back online. Time to furiously tap away at the keyboard, thoughts hot off the press tumbling forward onto the blank white sheet of virtual paper before me.

Let's talk about the state of the union, shall we? Let's talk about tolerance. Let's have a discussion about just how tolerant this nation has become. We pride ourselves on our political correctness, our ability to accept anything that floats anybody's boat, our high academic intelligence and our "progress." Progress? What kind of sick, twisted, delusional mindset is that??? The most determined, most brainwashed of utopianists and socialists have infiltrated our schools, our mass media, our entertainment industry; and the most brilliant among our young people find themselves wanting to be like... whom?

You guessed it. EMINEM, for crying out loud. I don't know what that is, but it sure as heck ain't progress, ladies and gents. Yes sir, or ma'am, or sir-ma'am as the case may be, any nation that allows a guy like Eminem to spread his ideas has reached the lofty epitome of tolerance. We don't mind that he advocates violence, sexual perversion, rape... he's just using his right of free speech. That's his take on the world, on life. Everybody's take is ok, you know. Don't criticize. How dare you suggest that his attitude is wrong. You selfish, narrow-minded, right-wing terrorist. Go to hell. (We don't believe in its existence, but the saying has a nice punch, wouldn't you agree?)

I could go on and on about what our tolerance has achieved for us. Our kids' role models get thrown in jail for beating somebody up or stealing. The TV's full of garbage, music and movies are even worse, people barely wear clothing anymore and we live for the bottle, the pill, the party or the bedroom. Those of us who haven't been dragged down by those ills spend our whole lives chasing something we can't find... something we seem to link to money, or health, or lack of stress. Funny how the wealthiest among us, who have access to all those supposed hot fixes, seem to be the most miserable.

The effects of our tolerance can be seen all over the place. Over half the files requested through KaZaA are somehow linked to porn, according to a recent survey. People are dying, literally dying, from indulging too far and too long in their bad habits. The family has fallen apart. Our children spend their younger years as sarcastic brats, growing up to be disillusioned teenagers, then cynical young adults. The goodwill of your average American isn't what it used to be. To be honest, I'm nervous about bringing kids into this world, someday soon (God willing). What new evils will the future bring? How far will our morality bend before it totally snaps, or someone else snaps it for us?

I could be a lot harsher about this. I'm a Christian, and as such, there is much Americans tolerate that I believe is wrong. But I'm not about hating on those of the opposing viewpoint, and if anyone out there disagrees with me, I'm not going to hunt you down and burn your house, or try to take your life. The most valuable thing we as a nation possess is our freedom, to believe what we will; but there are consequences if we choose to side with the wrong team, and that's just the way of it. I'm not gonna push my beliefs on you, but don't expect me to give up my own, either, just because they don't jive with your "tolerance." I don't want to suffer the consequences of your choices simply because you couldn't let me live the way I believe.

And when your own life falls apart, don't come crying to me, because I can't help. Cry to God, who's waiting for you on the other side of your pride, your delusion, and your need. Between now and then, as arrogant as it sounds (and it's not meant that way, trust me), I'll be praying for you.

 
Note To My Readers: Thanks to mysterious internet difficulties regarding my home machine, I may not be available to blog for a couple days yet. My apologies. Hopefully the situation will improve rapidly and I will be back online to preach to the invisible masses before long. Thank you all for your patience.

 
Here we are again. My brain hasn't yet returned to productive mode, but I will attempt to sketch the day's more significant events, nonetheless.

Today was icy. I walked out to my car after lunch to find it encapsulated in ice. That problem, combined with the difficulty of retaining traction on the roads (similarly coated in ice), made me fifteen minutes late for work. I quite literally skidded into the parking lot, but thankfully made it there without incident or injury. That's one thing about North Dakota weather... if it's cold enough to be icy, we usually get snow instead. I'd almost rather have the snow.

I'm boring myself with my own post. Now that's just sad. My problem is, I've spent so much time thinking and mulling over problems during the past couple weeks that I've got no energy left to be curious about life. There's only one thing a person can do when that happens. I've gotta sleep until the energy comes back. Off to dreamland I go! Watch your mail for a postcard. Wish you were here. You probably do too!

 
Thanks to a great deal of unexpected homework, I was unable to post again yesterday. My apologies to any reader who may have been disappointed over that.

Well! Web design is turning out to be a much more interesting hobby than I'd expected. Thanks to the help of the aforementioned friend and now Dad as well, I'm discovering the webmaster in me. Good times, good times. Perhaps all that torturous Visual Basic programming from college semesters previous will come in handy. Finally.

My brain is basically frozen tonight. More tomorrow, I promise; for now, Tot needs her sleep.

 
I'm on my way to becoming a master of web design. Never mind that I don't know html yet. Gotta start somewhere, right? A friend got me started on learning it, though, so it's only a matter of time.

Life goes on. Yesterday was... interesting. I should have expected an attack. I'm not one to jump at shadows; but sometimes coincidences just add up to more than the sum of their parts... you know? I was forced to endure R-rated Greek plays and the tirades of an angry stats teacher for the morning, and I got upset at my mom for no real reason over something stupid. Then work wore me out during the afternoon, and I was too tired to be worth much of anything for the evening. But, this was to be expected. There's always a down time after a trip, and since I'm on the verge of what I think is a huge something in my life, it only makes sense that the enemy should want to deter me from finding out what it is, or at least drag me down so I don't enjoy it when it comes.

I picked up the guitar again today. It's been a long time. I've figured out that I just can't teach myself, so I'm considering lessons. Probably won't happen. I'm a broke college kid. But, maybe. You never know.

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to cut this blog short. I've got stats in half an hour. Perhaps I'll post again later.