Wow. Where do I begin?

Tuesday, August 5th, I came to the aforementioned point of forced decision. My heart had been asking the same insatiable Question for too long; I wasn't about to submit to reluctant resignation this time. After an emotional discussion with my chatroom friends, I left the computer and crashed on my bed, desperate for a response from the only One who could give it. Much to my shocked surprise, He gave it. Even now I am barely able to even attempt to explain what happened, other than to say my heart got the Answer for which it's been searching at least the past 10 years or so... maybe even my whole life up til now. I learned a thousand lessons in one flash of revelation; I was given the emotional puzzle piece I had been missing, along with a 24-hr reprieve from the constant attack I'd been enduring. For a week I was rendered nearly speechless in regard to the change... and any of you who know me well can testify to the fact that rarely am I left unable to express an opinion on something.

Where to from here? I honestly don't know. God's laughing in anticipation; He's got the blindfold over my eyes and He's guiding me into the next room. I can't see what's in it, but I know I'm moving. The only comfort I've got is the joy I can hear in His voice; I hesitate, and He urges me on. Life awaits. It may be bittersweet, but it is life!

 
Emotion.

I can't live without it. The past few years have proven to me that without emotional stimulation, life becomes completely meaningless and empty. It's my drug, my blood, my sustenance, my bane. I've found I will do pretty much anything to get it. How sad is that? Something controls me. Everything else I can manipulate, deflect, absorb, or conquer. Yet my weaknesses prevail.

So what next? North Dakota is barren for me. I have my family here, and my history, and my familiarity. But that doesn't address the future. Can I stay here without slowly withering away, ripening into an empty shell? And if I did leave, where would I go? I don't even really know what I'm looking for, other than a reason to exist. It would be the same as before... I'd wake up one morning, glance around at my foreign surroundings and wonder what the heck I'm doing there.

I've come to the point of forced decision. Something has to be done NOW, or soon it will be too late.