Well.

Year 2003 is almost over. It's been a rough one. I realize that I will end it by struggling with a brand new outlook on life that I am barely ready to handle... the next stage in understanding, I hope. I wish I could put it into words so that my readers might understand. I'm not sure that's possible, though. Nevertheless, I'll give it a try.

I guess my faith is first. Yep... still got it... but for my own sanity I am finally allowing myself to be really and truly critical of all the CRAP that's out there pretending to be Christianity. Actually let me rephrase that: I am finally allowing myself to see that "Christianity" as we (particularly Americans) know it today bears the truth but, in its current state, cannot reveal it to the world en masse. I mean look at us! What a mess. We don't follow our own scripture, we don't act like our own leader, we don't even care enough to know hardly anything about what we believe. The world looks at us and is appalled, and I don't bother to wonder why. It's obvious. Considering the way we act, if I were not a Christian I wouldn't want anything to do with the whole Christianity thing, to be honest. Manipulative and hypocritical, well-meaning but blind in so many ways... the worst hurts I have ever endured have come from those who profess to be following the same Lord that I do.

Okay... granted, there's room for mistakes. I know we're just human, I know there are some good sincere groups out there, and Christians are making a difference individually and in other places in the world. It is mostly the American Church I have issues with. I just feel so... deceived. They promised so much, you know? When I read the Bible I don't even see a lot of today's hype and hoopla reflected in there. What happened? Where did all this extra crap come from? When did a living relationship with God turn into just another manmade religion? How can they mean so well and still be so wrong about so many things?

Don't get me wrong. I know that I know that I know that there is still a true hope hidden in all this. I just feel so much farther away from it than ever. But I won't give up. I know just enough to see that when I do find it, I will know it was worth all the struggle. And maybe I'll get lucky... maybe Jesus will drop by soon and take me home, and I won't have to be lost in this confusion anymore.

So yeah. That's the first thing. The second involves my current situation. I'm not in school until Jan. 6th, I don't yet have a job, and I can't move out for the next four months or so. I realize those factors have a significant influence on my current mindset. But you know, if I'm going to get up off my rear and make decisions about my life, I have to work with what I've got. Right? It's my life. No one else is going to make me into what I want to be. I have to get out there and put my hands to the plow and do it myself. I'm restless and ready to do my own thing, live the way I want to and find some kind of peace. It's high time I faced my fears and risked a little to gain a lot.

The third change has to do with the area of relationships. I'm finally in one now, despite my parents' skepticism about long distance interest bearing any fruit. I've taken their words of wisdom and applied them as best I can; but I'm not going to leave this alone until I know where it's going. Just because I haven't met someone yet doesn't mean he's a serial killer waiting to make me his next victim.

Whew! That feels good. It's nice to have my own opinion for once, unedited and uninfluenced by anyone else's. Happy New Year, folks, and stay tuned. I'll try to keep you all posted on where this new perspective takes me.

 
I know, I know... I don't blog for weeks, and now I'm here on Christmas Day. There's a lot on my mind though, and I have to say it to somebody.

Ever have a day where you didn't want to be a Christian? It's a deception of some sort, no doubt... but some days, life lived wisely seems so awfully boring. I hate to even say that because it sounds like I'm going to walk away. I'm not. And yet... is a person still under God's protective shield when they do dumb stuff? Or (even worse) when their heart isn't in their service? I recognize God as being who and what He says He is, and I owe Him my allegiance. I've accepted His gift and all that. So why can't I force myself to love Him more? If I'm totally honest with myself, I'd much rather have those forbidden freedoms these days. I know they lead to suffering or even death. But plodding along being a good Christian is starting to feel like death, too. If I can't love Him like I'm supposed to, how can I expect to be thriving under His rule? What is the matter with me?

I don't know what to do. So many questions, so few answers, if any at all. There's a guy in my life and I don't know where he fits in, either. I'm almost afraid to look... afraid that whatever my "calling" is will take me away from him or that God will intervene, putting barriers between us for our own good. God's done that with pretty much all the potential mates in my life. I know He's just protecting me. So why do I resent Him for it?

Yes, yes... life isn't all about us, it's about God and His plan. I've got needs too, though, and He said He'd take care of me. In pretty much every other aspect of my life--food, clothing, shelter, good family--I've been blessed beyond measure. Why must I continue to be subjected to this all-consuming loneliness? Why does my desire rule me? Will I still be me if I kill it or cage it? Is there a morally acceptable alternative to those options? I need answers, and I need them NOW.

 
Hello readers. I apologize for my long absence; life is just a bit complex at the moment and I wasn't exactly sure how to put my troubles into words.

To be honest, I haven't been exactly an angel the past several days. It is so difficult to distinguish what is tainted desire from what is a true and good longing for freedom and exploration. I've been pushing the limits. But is that so bad? Deep down, my greatest fear is that I will reach the end of my life one day and realize I never had the courage to live it. This is not a spirit of disobedience. This is just me wanting to stretch my wings, wanting to grow into all I was created to be. Am I rationalizing? I hope not. I just... I just want to live. I'm not walking away from God or my faith or the valuable training I've gained from my parents and other Christian role models. I'm not deliberately chasing sin.

It's probably a foolish venture. But I must know who I am, and I can't find out by staying within the boundaries of who I've been. May God guard my steps, and keep me from the way of evil as I explore.