Whew! FINALLY. Someone saw what was wrong and pointed out to me the key I've been trying to grasp for months. Apparently I was right about yesterday; it WAS an in-between stage, and now I'm on the other side, holding the answer in my hand.

The big news is: I'm dead. Yes! It's a good thing, I promise. I couldn't find a solid theological scripturally-backed reason for believing that God could accept me as I am and cover all my sins--past, present, and future--with grace provided by His blood, the only requirement being that I believe He is who He said He is. I know that sounds simple, and I've heard about grace all my life; but I wanted to find it for myself, in such a way that I knew without a doubt that Scripture agreed with the concept as it had been taught to me by other Christians. I kept running across these verses that made it look like I needed to be "good" first, and nobody could explain to me how they knew the grace-oriented interpretation was right. I was able to accept grace for past sins, but didn't see how a Christian could sin (and know he's doing it) and still belong to God... even though I knew without a doubt that nobody could be sinless after salvation. I guess the long and short of it was, I didn't understand grace.

What I didn't realize was that I'm dead... the old me is already dead, and when I sin, that belongs to the old me too. I was forgetting that God's sacrifice for mankind isn't bound by time in the way humans would normally see it. As my friend (to whom I am in debt now for her help) put it for me, I died with Christ 2000 years ago. Time is irrelevant in regards to the sacrifice; it is there for all of Earth's history, including what hasn't happened yet, and its effects span an entire lifetime. That is why, to avoid it, one would have to make a choice that spans an entire lifetime. In other words, there is only one way to deny grace once you know about it, and that's to make a choice against it for an entire lifetime. It's like C.S. Lewis put it... the choice we make for God, regardless of when it happens, is in effect for eternity. Everything we do (good or bad), up to and after that choice, in the end will point to it and emphasize it.

I recognize that this isn't an excuse to sin. However, over the course of the past several months, I came face to face with the fact that, no matter how hard I try, I can't achieve some level of "goodness" by which I can be in God's "favor." I'm always in His favor; that's what grace is. Yes I want to do what's right because that pleases Him. But I'm also human, which means I'm going to have days when my flesh is louder than my spirit. When that happens, God will always be there to pull me out on the other side, because when He looks at me, He doesn't see me anymore. He sees His Son. I've already made the longterm choice to reach for God. He will keep His promise to bridge the gap and reach for me, and in the end, bring me home.

So, I'm dead to my old self. I suppose the next step will be to learn what it means to be alive in Christ. One thing at a time, though. The relief from this most recent revelation is enough to sustain me for a few days. I have found my peace and I will rest in it for awhile before proceeding.

 
Today is an in-between kind of day. It's in between cloudy and sunny outside. I'm in between major projects at work. Tonight I'll be in between responsibilities, for the most part; yesterday I was busy and tomorrow I will be, but not as much today. But I won't have nothing to do either. In between.

Emotionally I'm also in between. I'm not in the dark downward spiral today that I was for the previous few days; but I'm not soaring either. I think the whole problem started when, feeling disconnected from myself, I began to dig into my past... opening old wounds and giving them air to breathe and heal. The sudden daylight was apparently too much for them to take, and the resulting crash into confusion, anger, and hurt took me down much faster than expected. Ugh. I can't get to the bottom of this if I don't get to the bottom of me. There is no time to tiptoe around the issues at hand.

But, I guess I'm still in between... standing in the eye of the storm. Might as well take the rest that's offered me, at least for the short time that it's here.

 
"I'm a hazard to myself..."

That's my song today. I am so thoroughly confused about everything that I hardly know up from down anymore. I don't trust me, I don't trust others, I want to trust God but everyone seems to disagree on who He is exactly; and I have to know somebody before I can trust them. Why did I have to learn that there are several interpretations for just about every biblical principle that exists? I can't even read the Bible anymore without being torn in about 20 different directions at once. Everybody's mindset wants to take me over. Which one's reality? Can I live with whatever reality turns out to be?

I'm not giving up on God, don't worry. On the contrary; all I've got left is the knowledge that God's up there and He wants me to believe in Him, and the desire to do what's right (even if it doesn't always win out). I'm clinging to that with all the fading strength I've got left.

Other than that, I'm about to get myself into a whole lot of trouble if I don't find some way out of this mess. God, if You're listening, I need help... right away...

 
Fridays make me happy. The weekend is just ahead! Granted, I have a lot of things demanding my weekend time; but at least I'll be able to get some of them done. My goal is to eventually take care of everything during the week, so that I'm free to play on my weekends.

I like order. Is it wrong to take the time to order one's life? I don't think so. When my life is in relative order, I am much more confident and relaxed; and in that condition I find myself better able to help others. Yes we should be willing to sacrifice regardless of how we feel. But we are human creatures, which means we get tired and cranky if we don't take care of ourselves. In that condition it's less likely that we will be of help to others, no matter how hard we try. There's some verse in Proverbs about getting your fields ready and then building your house. To me that means, put the affairs of daily living in order, then build on top of that foundation. While it is the calling of some to live on the edge, they must be supported by those who don't. "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." (1 Thess. 4:11-12)

I guess it's all about balance, as usual. Everything in moderation. When I'm being sensible, I know when I'm becoming obsessive in either direction. Obsession is such a characteristic of today's culture, whether its participants know it or not. I too have trouble not swinging too far to one end of the scale or the other. Perhaps previous American culture was wiser than it is today. I'm beginning to think so.

 
Happy Birthday To Me.

Yes, today Tot turns old. I brought doughnuts to work, since it is tradition for the birthday girl (or boy) to treat coworkers. One glance at the nutrition panel on the back of the box (nutrition! ha!) was nearly enough to make me swear off doughnuts forever. Nearly. Not quite, unfortunately; I'm sure I will have at least two before the workday's done. No matter. I'm not counting calories today. Or fat grams, or carbs, or anything.

Whew... I'm tired. I was up until midnight last night waiting for my dad to finish putting together the TV stand that he and my mom bought me for my birthday. Did I mention that my parents are awesome? They are. Yesterday I bought the TV that's now sitting on top of that TV stand. My apartment feels much more like a real home now, for some inexplicable reason.

Back I go to not working. There must be something around here that I can do.

 
I am in awe this morning. The landscape is rushing by so fast, I can hardly take it all in.

God gave me a teeny glimpse of Himself yesterday. It never fails to amaze me how I can see for less than a minute, and then it takes hours--sometimes days--to put into words what He showed me in just that little minute. Not only that, but the one glimpse is enough to set true healing in motion. No wonder God doesn't show Himself to us in all His glory while we're still on Earth. Our brains would probably explode all over the place, unable to contain or process all the input.

There is a truth--a laughing, peaceful, longing, living reality--hiding somewhere just below the surface, enticing me as I chase it. I've known it all my life, as far back as I can remember; it makes my heart beat, sends the sun soaring across the sky, whispers in the wind and hums in the very fiber of life. The Enemy knows that the primary way he can take me down is by convincing me that the reality I know deepest of all is not of God. He's a liar, of course. Last night God told me to shove all the junk aside and just look; and I did, and my heart leaped with vindication and recognition. Hey! I know you! If only I could hang onto that moment forever. I know I won't always feel the way I do now. But I am convinced that if I could teach myself to see things this way on a regular basis, I would find the peace I'm so hungry for.

 
Whew... the storm seems to have moved on. Recuperation is always more peaceful than the other two stages. I could use some peace right about now.

Birthday's coming up. The big two three! Heh. I feel old. Perhaps while I'm young I'll get all the feeling-old out of the way, and by the time I actually AM old, I'll have learned to feel young again. Sounds like a good plan. There's nothing particularly special in the works for the day when it gets here. Tradition dictates that, in our family, the birthday girl gets a free meal of her choice. I plan on ordering chinese (food) and watching a movie with my parents. My sister is out of town; when she comes back, we'll do our own celebration.

Thanks to Switchfoot and other recovery tools, I should be back in half-decent emotional shape by then. At least, enough to function normally. Still on the lookout for a permanent solution.

 
Yuck. It's definitely a Monday.

I am two people, and I don't like either of them. I don't seem to have the option of divorcing myself from one or the other. Apparently, meshing the two personalities together won't work, either. In fact, I don't appear to have any real options open to me. So... I join the rest of the world, waking up in the morning wondering why I'm here, going to work and coming home and dreading working and dreading coming home... running from myself and unable to set it free, set me free. Weeks are too long and weekends aren't long enough. And when they do come, it's like eating whipped cream, you never get enough and if you do, you get sick.

That's what pleasure is like... a horrid dream in which at first your future looks bright, you're in a restaurant and the waiters are good-looking and helpful, and they bring you your favorite dessert in the whole world: cheesecake. And you eat it and you're in heaven... and they bring you more, and you keep eating it and eating it, and gradually your stomach rebels and you want something not particularly special but calm and soothing, like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And you ask for one, and demand one, and beg for one, but they won't stop bringing you the cheesecake; and now they're holding you down and forcing you to eat it, and you're ready to lose your lunch all over the place and all you want is the freakin' PB&J...

Yeah. Happy Monday.

 
It's SNOWING. What's up with that?!?!? Hello! It's May! I'm not supposed to see fluffy white stuff until next winter (tree cotton and clouds not included). *sigh* This crazy land and its crazy weather. I don't think I could ever leave for good.

I had a weird dream last night. Suffice it to say that (1) I love meaningful dreams; and (2) God is awesome.

Haven't got much else to say today. Life is ordinary. I'd prefer it stayed that way for awhile.

 
Just for the record... I am so, SO glad God knows better than me. I am even MORE glad that He thwarted my plans when I couldn't see ahead. That may have been the reason for the greatest trial of my life; but far better to be thwarted and struggle for awhile than to get what I want and find myself miserable for life.

On to better things. Spring is here, though today you wouldn't know it. Minot is expecting snow, at least according to weather.com's radar. It's raining in my city. That's actually a good thing; we seriously need the moisture. Besides, I like rain.

There's a lot to be said for habit. Bad habits are nasty to be sure. Good habits, though, make life a great deal easier. As time goes on, persistent struggle leads to good habits; then it's not quite so hard to do the right thing on a regular basis. Of course, building habits does take time in a lot of cases, whether they're good or bad. Time has a different meaning for me than it used to, though. Funny how perspective changes filter down to nearly every aspect of life.

Ah, George Winston. How is it that music with no words can say so much more than lyrical tunes?

 
Whoa. New blog editing interface. Not sure what I think of it so far.

This weekend was wonderful. Saturday was busy; Famous Dave's for lunch with a friend, shopping in the afternoon with my mom, cleaning at night in preparation for Mother's Day lunch. My parents hosted it this year; everything went smoothly. Thanks to German potato salad and a number of other tasty side dishes, I spent the afternoon not moving much at all (full stomach).

Sunday night was awesome for some reason. I finished reading The Last Battle and closed the book with a deep sense of awe. C.S. Lewis is an amazing literary artist; but it's what his artistry points to that moves me so profoundly. There are times when eternity seems more real than what my five senses know to be true... times when I almost feel I could reach out and touch the material world around me and it would crumble away to reveal the Truth underneath it all, the Reality my heart knows when the rest of me can't see it. Sunday night was such a time. I wish I could stay in that state of mind and heart constantly.

But... such is, of course, not the case. The peace it left me is still following me around, though. Maybe I can make THAT part last.

 
If time is the truest test, so far it's pointing in His favor. I really shouldn't be surprised. What does surprise me is how obvious the truth seems now, even when I'm fighting it with all the twisted sinful nature I can muster. Not to say that I see clearly all the time. But even underneath my rebellious thoughts and emotions, my will knows which direction it's pointing now. Over time I always seem to swing back to the same position. In the long run, I'm committed; there is no going back.

The most unexpected aspect of this whole sacrifice thing is the joy it produces. Not an ecstatic, bouncing-off-the-walls-hyper kind of joy. More like... an undercurrent of knowing excitement and anticipation, a peaceful victory, like feeling good about refraining from M&Ms when you know you're eventually going to get cheesecake instead. Sometimes I can't feel that joy, particularly when I've allowed myself to be deluded into thinking that something other than what He wishes is going to give me what my heart really wants. It always seems to come back to this though, the inevitable realization that His way is in my own best interest. It's not some religious facade or illusion, either. It's a confrontation with reality; a relief that the world really is as ugly as it seems, and that the Best Way is something completely outside of it.

Yes. A beautiful letdown. Thank you Switchfoot, you know what you're talking about.

 
What the heck. I can't even rebel anymore?? Since when did THAT happen?

Last night I was in a full-fledged mood, all set to be the fly on the bottom of the wheel for however long it took to break into the next stage of the cycle. So, as usual, I reached for the darkest music in my collection (Linkin Park, yeah yeah I know it's not that dark) and prepared for a hopefully short excursion into the negative side of perception. It wouldn't happen for me. And it's not that I wasn't moody enough or in touch enough... no problem there. In fact, I could very definitely sense something holding me back, standing in the way. That only served to irritate me at the time, so I tried harder, through a few other methods. No luck. I couldn't connect. Finally I threw in the towel and went to bed, taking the time before falling asleep to announce to God that I was giving up, again. The mood consequently faded and I had enough peace to relax.

What was THAT all about? It left me half thrilled, half ticked off; thrilled because God took me up on my request that He not let me run off and spoil things again, and ticked off because I no longer have a way to escape from that restless longing when it surfaces. Now I just have to bear it until it goes away, I guess. Is that possible? Am I strong enough? This new development isn't a violation of free will, by the way. A week ago, I gave Him the right to be a nuisance if that is what it takes. I could still turn my back on my decision; but something tells me that to do that, at least in the fullest sense, I'd have to turn my back on Him too. And oddly enough, part of me doesn't even want to travel the old routes anymore, even though the new ones are steeper and more difficult.

If the Law of Undulation is true, what am I to do in the trough times now? I have no escape, no drug to numb the pain. Now that things are as they are, I can't manage on my own anymore; it literally hurts to wander off the yellow brick road, to be separated from His pleasure and command (they come hand in hand you know). Or perhaps I've merely become conscious of damage that was being done all along... but regardless, what am I to do about it? I can't be perfect, I can't stay focused in His presence all the time. The Law of Undulation itself states that...

Oh. Silly me. Hello Tot. This is Love... and those in love don't like to be separated from each other. The more their connection grows, the more painful it is to be apart. And because of the Law of Undulation, there will inevitably be dry times in my relationship with God. So pain is unavoidable? I don't like that at all. But... if growing closer to Him means enduring more pain... I guess I'll take the pain, since I can apparently no longer function without Him. (I can't believe I'm saying this. Tot is a wimp, she avoids pain whenever she can.)

Maybe it's just a stage. Maybe I'm merely too sensitive lately. Perhaps in a week I'll look back at this and shake my head at my own lack of understanding. Who knows. Time will be the truest test.

 
In "The Screwtape Letters," yet another of C.S. Lewis's oft-read works, Screwtape talks about the Law of Undulation. Because humans are tied into time and space through their physical bodies, Screwtape says, they are inevitably subject to change, along with the rest of the universe. As a result, they cannot stay in a consistent spiritual state either; so they get as close as they can by "undulating," switching from Peak to Trough continuously.

I have suspected the existence of this spiritual truth for some time, but am still not quite sure how to handle it. Does one merely ride the waves as they come, or attempt to stay on the peak as long as possible? My heart wishes to do what's right; but even my emotions are betraying me now. Is that disobedience? Or merely humanity? Maybe both. I don't know. At least, beneath all the confusion, my will is still oriented in the right direction. I can only hope and pray that it continues to master my passions. God help me... I'm going to need all the assistance I can get.