Between this post and the last, I did go back to CT, for awhile. It didn't take long for things to get bad again, though; so after an emotional explosion that scared me and my family (partially caused by chat but also brought about by other things going on in my life), I agreed to leave the room again. I've been out of it for four days now, and I have to admit I'm happier without that responsibility in my life. I shouldn't have shouldered it in the first place; CT was a no-win situation for me.

It's odd how much time I have on my hands when chat isn't a part of my daily schedule. This past weekend I got the garden planted and most of my flowers in pots or beds. I spent a lot of time outside, went to the zoo with my family (I hadn't been there in three or more years!) and did other fun family stuff. We finally got a DVD player, which is nice. My dad and I are doing devotions together at night, too, which is REALLY nice.

I got my first real IT job today! It's only a verbal agreement so far, but in my mind that's close enough. In a couple months, I'm going to be trained into the position, and eventually I'll handle the part-time IT work on my own. My employer is willing to work around my school schedule in the fall. I basically couldn't ask for a better work situation.

So, that's my life as it has been lately. Got stuff to work through as always; but in general things are looking up.

 
Well, I finally did it. I walked out of my chatroom with the intent of never returning. This time it feels real. What a great relief it is... although it really is odd that I should feel that way. CT has meant so much to me... and yet today I realized it's the friends that matter to me now. CT itself holds little or no value for me anymore. I'd like to start over somewhere else, maybe make my own room or begin an online website ministry or something... I haven't decided yet. And I don't have to decide anything at all for awhile. That's the best part.

Other than that, today has actually been a good day. I'm finally getting somewhere with my room, and might be organized (amazing!) by sometime next week. For some reason I'm naturally a sentimental pack rat when it comes to my belongings, always fighting the tendency to think "I might need it, might as well keep it around." Mostly I just need to get rid of stuff. A good portion of what I own is junk I haven't even thought about in years. I couldn't explain to you why I kept it if I tried.

Tonight I was given the opportunity to work as a server at a banquet held in the cafeteria of my old college. My table partner was someone from several of my previous classes; so between getting acquainted with her for the first time and enjoying the banquet food once it was our turn, I had a good time. Easy money is nothing to sneer at; it was actually quite fun. Tomorrow I get to do it again. In some ways I'm actually looking forward to it.

So, what is on my horizon? I finally got a more long-term temp assignment, this time lasting until mid-July. My sister and I will be working together on the project, which should be interesting. It's nothing special, just organizing papers and stapling them, but hey, it brings in the dough and keeps me occupied 8-5 every weekday. Not bad.

Off I go to build a radio. Electronic circuit kits are so much fun to play with.

 
Here I am at the computer again, listening to Ghost In The Machine (dream trance) and viewing pictures from digitalblasphemy.com... and basking in a deep intense calm. This is one of my favorite moods. Often it is responsible for my best writing or poetry, lending a hand to my imagination. Whoever came up with the idea that certain kinds of music enhance thought was a very wise man (or woman), for I have found it to be so in my case and in the lives of others.

Lately my usually barely tamed emotions have for some reason decided to allow me a few moments' peace, and the past few days have been easier. I'm still waiting for my next assignment from Kelly. However, that is something to be thankful for, since I need to straighten up my living space and do some much-delayed digging into hobbies that I've neglected over the past several months. Chief among the aforementioned interests would be my fascination with computers outside of chat, my musical pursuits, and my love of reading. Time is running short; I must decide who I am and what I want before the waiting period is over. Soon I will be a full-fledged adult, too busy with a career and hopefully a family to give full attention to such things. Singleness is indeed a gift, at least to a point, and I don't want to be found tossing it uselessly away by wasting the time that I've been given.

So, time proceeds, the days pass, life goes on. As of now, there just isn't much else to say. I'm too busy experiencing the present to analyze it detail by detail, as I am so prone to be doing. There will be time for that later, as I lie in my bed each night before falling asleep, reliving the day in fast forward and taking what I can from it... lessons to be applied in the day to come.

 
There it is again... my parents are threatening to kick me out of the house. I wouldn't be worried except that they keep bringing it up... I'm scared to death they'll actually do it, and I'm not ready to support myself yet. Won't be for two years at least. How do I thrive here and meet their demands at the same time? I've tried to leave before... and yet wherever I go, I always get homesick and come back. I need to find something I can devote myself to that will give me a reason to leave home for good.

Is this directionlessness a punishment for my decision to leave TM before my time was up? But God and I went over this... I was certain He gave me the leave to go... so if it's not that, then what am I doing wrong?? I can't stand to be around myself these days. Everything's all wrong, and I can't seem to get the motivation going to do what it takes to cause a change. Why did I have to be born in a state where my options are so limited? Why can't I be happy here? I love ND... it's my home... but I can't stay here and it's killing me. I want to get married and have kids and raise a family somewhere new where things are different and I can be the person I know is hiding somewhere inside of me, just waiting for the chance to live...

 
Some days are awful. And some days are wonderful. Not sure what I ate today but it must have included sugar, because the arrow has rocketed up to the wonderful end of the scale. There is absolutely no reason why I should be wired, but I am. Emotions are such dictators.

So, here I am, about ten different topical possibilities warring for dominance in my head. And then of course you have your various tangents and bunny trails, which can lead to entirely new arenas laid out for intellectual skirmishing. Choices, choices...

As of yesterday, 96 onions made their happy homes in my garden. Well, I made the happy homes for them, but, you know. The day before that, I turned the garden dirt under and moved the strawberries. You can't kill strawberry plants if you try... along with guppies, yaro, and cling wrap, they are conspiring to create mass population explosions and take over the world. But shhh... it wasn't me that told you.

I am once again between assignments with the staffing service for which I work; therefore, I've had way too much time on my hands. For some reason I can't seem to muster up enough motivation to clean my room, which is a pity since it needs desperately to be cleaned. Why of all places in this house does my room scare me the most when it comes to keeping it neat? I'd rather do dishes or laundry or *gasp* ironing instead. It's sad, really. However, I have this odd feeling that I'm going to be a neat freak when I get older, so, you never know. Maybe thinking positively will somehow kick my need for orderliness into high gear.

How is it that I love hanging around teens and yet they drive me absolutely nuts? On one end of the scale, their creativity and passion for living lifts my spirits; and on the other end, I feel sometimes like I just walked back into grade school and the rules haven't changed. I haven't yet decided if they always change for everyone or if some never progress past that level of social behavior. And then there are others who amaze me with their maturity. Life is a hard lesson to learn, and anyone who survives to adulthood automatically earns my respect.

Tums call my name. Heartburn is straight from h e double hockey sticks.